A Movie Review 4 U � 9 Songs (An X Rated Review)
WARNING: This is an informative and irreverent review about an explicit unrated movie. If you are easily offended, please don’t read it. If you do, please don’t complain about it.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the initial edition of A Movie Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing the British movie billed as an explicit mainstream movie, 9 Songs, written, produced and directed by Michael Winterbottom”
“With us, this fine Saturday morning, our regular panel members, the lovely, Bo Derek, who as movie stars go, has probably been filmed in the nude more than any other Hollywood actress. Hello Bo, I see we’re wearing clothes today.”
“Well, I am. I don’t know if I’d call your outfit, clothes, Jerry. Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready to show off my private tattoo yet.”
“And the gentleman to her left is of course, Mr. Macho, Bruce Willis, who also has an erotic scene or two to his credit. Bruce.”
“Good to be here, Jerry.”
“Bruce. What are you doing?”
“I’m just seeing if Bo will show me her tattoo. I’m a big fan of tattoos, especially private ones.”
“What are you doing Bo?”
“Bruce wants to see my tattoo. I’ve got a piercing too, but I can’t show you that, Brucie.”
“Really? Can you please show me? After the show, of course.”
“I don’t think so Jerry”
“Shucks! Last but not least are our two guest panel members, head of the Moral Majority, Rev. Jerry Falwell and Penthouse Magazine Publisher, Bob Guccione. Gentlemen, thanks for being with us this Saturday morning.”
“Good to be here, said Rev. Falwell.”
“Same here Jerry, but I’d like to say one thing to Ms Derek. I could provide a format for you to show the world your body art,” offered Mr. Guccione.
“Body art. You give that tripe a proper name? It’s defilement of God’s work!”
“Reverend, please calm down, we need to get on with the show.”
“I, of course, am you host, moderator and referee all rolled into one, Jerry Springer.”
“Our show will follow the system of our sister show, A Book Review 4 U. We’ll start with a comment from our resident Epinionator, Mr. D and then we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel.
“We now have Mr. D on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D. I hope it‘s not too early for you back in Arizona, after all it is six o’clock there isn‘t it?”
“Not an issue. I do most of my writing early in the morning.”
“I’m sorry. If I may get right to the point, what did you think of this movie, 9 Songs.
“I’ve read a few reviews on 9 songs and one thing they all seem to agree upon is that the movie has no story. I can’t disagree with them. There isn’t much of a story, but if you pay attention you do arrive at some interesting conclusions.”
“The plot of the movie can be boiled down to this, boy and girl meet at a, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, rock concert and go to his apt and f*ck. Another concert and another roll in the hay. With some small exceptions this is the modus operandi for nine concerts.”
“Matt is a scientist, a glaciologist and Lisa is a visiting American college student. Matt tried to keep up with Lisa, but I got the impression that he was overmatched, with Lisa, whom I thought was an excitement junkie. She was also more into experimentation. At one point, Matt went home by himself as she stayed with a woman.”
“I couldn’t figure out why the sex scenes seemed so well done – almost real. Then, as the movie progressed it became obvious. The bathtub scene with Matt and Lisa, the only actors in the movie, gave me the first clue. With Matt (Kieran O’Brien) leaning back on one side of the tub and Lisa (Margo Stilley) on the other, she uses her feet to massage his erect penis in full view of the viewers. That was about halfway through the movie and was only the beginning. Each sex scene thereafter, became increasing more explicit.”
“After about three months of steady rock concerts and sex, Lisa told Matt that she will soon be going back to America. Matt was crushed, so that afternoon Lisa cheered him up by … how can I say this? Blowing him! The viewer gets to see the whole shebang, just like a porn movie. She sucks on him for about thirty seconds and then the camera cuts away to a long view of Matt, ejaculating upon his abdomen.”
“On the day she is scheduled to leave, the spectator is presented a vision of the couple having intercourse including clear view of phallic penetration.”
“Speaking of the rock concerts, rock music fans, especially fans of British bands may be interested in the bands of the various concerts. I managed to dig seven of them out – they are:”
• Super Furry Animals
• The Dandy Warhols
• Franz Ferdinand
• Elbow
• Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
• The Von Bondies
• Primal Scream
Conclusion
“What one might get out of this movie depends upon what one’s expectations are. No, it doesn’t have much of a story, but I thought the overall product was entertaining and very watchable. The movie was realistic in everyway (not just the sex) and earthy. The acting by the two actors was really something to behold and so was the cinematography.”
“It should be pointed out that the writer, producer, director of 9 Songs, felt there was a double standard regarding reading material vs film. He thought, since many erotic and even mainstream books are extremely graphic, why can’t mainstream movies also depict graphic sex. In comparison to the present day trend of filthy degrading pornographic films, 9 songs must seem extremely tame. Still, it is a big leap forward in sexuality from the average boring, poorly done soft-core movie. Therefore, I’m going against the grain, Jerry, and giving the movie 5 stars.”
“Thank you for your insight Mr. Daumco. Now it’s time to get our panels opinion.”
“Let’s start with you Bruce, but before you start, I want you to consider a couple questions? Do you think it is proper to ask an actor to have sex on the screen and as an actor, would you have considered, such a part?”
“Bruce.”
“That’s a hell of a question, Jerry. I didn’t think you were that thoughtful. Let me talk about the film then I’ll go back to your question.”
“I thought, the film pioneered new ground. I don’t know if we’ll see more movies like that in the future but it certainly set the groundwork for them. I give the movie 4 stars.”
“As for your question. I’m sure, when you are first getting started you may be required to do parts that you could reject once you are established.”
“Fine, but what about you and is it appropriate?”
“I didn’t mention it but I interposed myself into your hypothetical equation. As for appropriate? If it’s in the script, it’s appropriate.”
“Very good. Bo. Bo! What are you doing?”
“I’m showing Reverend Falwell my body art.”
“I thought you said you couldn’t show anyone your piercing?”
“The Reverend said it’s okay to show him because he’s a holy man. Right Reverend?”
“Well, oomph. I didn’t quite say it that way. I said people think I’m a dweeb but their wrong. I’m wholly a man.”
“Okay, Sweetheart hurry up and put your clothes back on, before we get fined.”
“That’s alright Jerry, If you get fined. Penthouse will be glad to pay it. Ms Derek, I still want to talk about appearing in my mag –”
“That’s all right. I need to get Bo’s opinion of 9 songs. Bo did you hear my question to Bruce.”
“I think so.”
“And”
“Well, I liked the movie. It’s realistic. F*cking is what people do. I’d like to see more movies like that and I wouldn’t mind appearing in one myself. It would be my crowning achievement. I give the movie 5 stars.”
“Alright, Moving on. Reverend?”
“As you should know. There is no place in our society for dreck like this misbegotten movie and I certainly wouldn’t perform in a movie like that! 1 star.”
“I don’t think Jerry was asking you if you would screw on film reverend. Fat people don’t film too well naked.”
“I’ll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself, Mr. Smut peddler.”
“That’s okay Mr. Shyster. I’ll bet if I got Bo here to show her body art in Penthouse, you’d be the first in line for a co –”
“Bob, please. We may disagree but let’s do it with civility. Now what did you think of 9 Songs?”
“I loved it. It brought back memories of my randy movie Caligula.”
“Randy is right. That was pure pornograp –”
“Aw, so you’ve seen it. What other sex movies have you seen Reverend? How big a collection do you have. Huh?”
“Gentlemen please. We’re almost out of time. What is your rating, Bob?”
“5 stars”
“Thank you, Bob. That averages out to 4 stars.”
“So there you have it, 9 songs by Michael Winterbottom. Buy it!”
“That’s it for now. Join us next week when our guest reviewers will be Paris Hilton and General Tommie Franks.”
“Yes, Bob?”
“I just wanted to mention to Ms Derek that I may have the vehicle to her crowning achievement, since I would make a sequel to Caligula if she would star in it.”
“Now that’s an interesting proposition.”
“I’ll bet you get all kinds of propositions. Talk about it after the show. What are you doing?”
“Showing Bob my body art.”
“Until next week this is Jerry Springer slugging … I mean signing off. Have a great day!”
Author’s note: As you probably suspected this reviiew was written before the unfortunate and untimely death of the Reverend Falwell. No offense was intended and I hope none was taken.
Silly Things 