Fallen – Get a Life Reviewers

Okay, It’s time to get silly again. This a review, more like an essay actually, I wrote four years ago of the very popular album Fallen (remember it?) by Evanescence in response to a very silly write off titled I Got So Mad I Got My Dad To Write A Letter Write Off
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Why would anyone write the 56th review of an album? Why even the tenth or fifth review of an album, especially one where the only really good song has been played on the radio continuously for three months? And why has Amy Lee on the cover of Fallen been staring at me from Epinions home page almost as long? Has everybody flipped out? What’s the fuss about? If you think 56 reviews is a lot Amazon.com has, as I write this 57th epinions review, not one hundred, not two hundred, not four hundred, not six hundred but SEVEN HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-EIGHT REVIEWS!!!! Just think if anyone is as gung ho as the idiot that wrote the 788th review they could spend a long weekend reading all 844 reviews, 845 if you count mine. Wouldn’t that be entertaining!!!!Think about all the man hours and emotion that went into all that work. If we could bottle all that energy we could be the most dynamic country in the world, but we’d need to bottle some common sense too!!!!!

I know why I’m writing the 57th review of Fallen. Someone has to look beyond the hype and look objectively at this album and what, I think, it represents. Ok, so let’s start with the album. I know, by now that some of you are really mad at me for bashing your current favorite album. I know you like it and that’s fine, 31 flavors and all that jazz, but hear me out. I bought Fallen too, so I guess you you could say I fell for Fallen also. That is til I got it home and played it a time or two. It was then that I realized that It didn’t hold a candle to music I already had. I was attracted to it because of it’s femme gothic-metal tendencies and I’ll grudgingly admit it is a good album but not great and certainly not deserving of all the acclaim it has received.

So tell us Red Rider, What do you have that’s so much better? I’m getting to that but first I want to tell a little story. Our esteemed colleague Vanwarp has a teenage daughter and son and they did a very interesting exercise, whereupon he and his children each burned a ten track CD rom of their chosen favorites for the other two family members to listen to and outlined the ten songs each that were chosen. I was surprised, no shocked, to see that all their tastes were somewhat compatible. Not so in my family. I too have a teenage son and daughter. My son thinks that anything that is played on the radio is craap, and my daughter thinks that if it hasn’t made the FM play lists it lacks credibility. That is the point I am trying to make. Most people in America think like my daughter. No radio, no credibility. I, on the other hand, have begun to think the opposite. Radio play is like a negative role model. Although a good song occasionally slips in on alternative or top 40 radio, I still think the best stuff isn’t being played but that may change thanks to the unabated popularity of Evanescence.

Hey man, what about the better stuff? I’m getting to that. Soon I promise. Ok now let’s talk about what Evanescence success represents. I am very happy that Fallen has been a blockbuster. I believe it provides a little crack in the wall of misconception surrounding the Femme Goth-metal sub genre. It provides some handholds for similarly inclined musicians to climb into the spotlight. The popularity of Fallen is going to create a demand for more Goth-metal music and where can it come from in the short term but the hot spot of the Goth-metal scene; Europe.

The better stuff man,
Ok, Waldo, now the good stuff. I can think of a dozen good Femme Fronted Gothic-Metal bands who, given the opportunity, could make great inroads here. I think Italian prog/gothic metal band Lacuna Coil has the best chance of making a breakthrough since they will be touring the country this summer and fall and their hit single “Heaven’s a Lie” is now getting air time on some radio stations. Another distinct possibility is Dutch Femme Fronted Goth-Metal band
Within Temptation, whose hit album Mother Earth has been having strong sales in the U.S. and whose phenomenal singer Sharon den Adel dwarfs Amy Lee.

In closing, to all those die hard fans of Evanescence, I have this to say; Don’t hate me I’m just expressing my opinion and GET A LIFE!!! There just might be something better around and oh yah, Norah Jones too while I’m at it!!!! I’d rather Be tongueing a Platypus!!!!!!

I will post links of the three Femme Gothic-Metal bands I’ve reviewed and a list of similar bands below.

Link for Polish Goth-Metal band Delight:
http://www.epinions.com/content_103143870084

Link for Dutch Goth-Metal band Within Temptation:
http://www.epinions.com/content_102189993604

Link for Italian Goth-Metal band Lacuna Coil:
http://www.epinions.com/content_98096942724

AUTHOR’S NOTE
I know it’s the usual procedure to write something about the music but since I wasn’t really writing about the music I have dispensed with this procedure. If this disappoints anyone, let me remind you. There are 56 other Epinions reviews available, which I’m sure actually cover the music.

Two week update It has been fourteen days since I posted this review and cooler heads seem to have prevailed at Epinions. There is only three new Evanescence reviews and they were all written by newbies. Amazon though is another matter. It seems the idiocy is running rampant. They are now up to 862 reviews an increase of 74 or 5.28 reviews per day.

One month update
It is now 34 days since this review was originally posted and Epinion reviews have picked up a bit with 7 new reviews in the twenty days since my last update, which brings the total to 66 and I see I received an off topic from one of the seven new review people. Probably felt silly after reading my review. Meanwhile Amazon is still chugging away with 927 reviews, opps, make that 928 reviews, err, I mean 929 reviews. Amazing, but they still have a long way to go to catch N Sync which has 1756, no it’s not a misprint, reviews.

Forty-seven day update
I don’t know when it happened but we’ve eclipsed the thousand mark. We are now at 1014 and counting.

I don’t know how many days update I know, it’s been a long time but I just had to do this update. Remember I joked about how Fallen had a long way to go to catch N’Sync with their 1756 reviews. Well as of 10/4/04 Fallen has 2138 reviews and counting! Think they could hit 5,000?

Just so you know Amazon.com now has 2.438 reviews on Fallen. I know because I just read every one of them!

September 5, 2007. CDs, fan, Goth, Iconic, Music, overated, Overzealous, review, reviews, rock concert. Leave a comment.

A Movie Review 4 U � 9 Songs (An X Rated Review)

WARNING: This is an informative and irreverent review about an explicit unrated movie. If you are easily offended, please don’t read it. If you do, please don’t complain about it.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the initial edition of A Movie Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing the British movie billed as an explicit mainstream movie, 9 Songs, written, produced and directed by Michael Winterbottom”

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“With us, this fine Saturday morning, our regular panel members, the lovely, Bo Derek, who as movie stars go, has probably been filmed in the nude more than any other Hollywood actress. Hello Bo, I see we’re wearing clothes today.”

“Well, I am. I don’t know if I’d call your outfit, clothes, Jerry. Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready to show off my private tattoo yet.”

“And the gentleman to her left is of course, Mr. Macho, Bruce Willis, who also has an erotic scene or two to his credit. Bruce.”

“Good to be here, Jerry.”

“Bruce. What are you doing?”

“I’m just seeing if Bo will show me her tattoo. I’m a big fan of tattoos, especially private ones.”

“What are you doing Bo?”

“Bruce wants to see my tattoo. I’ve got a piercing too, but I can’t show you that, Brucie.”

“Really? Can you please show me? After the show, of course.”

“I don’t think so Jerry”

“Shucks! Last but not least are our two guest panel members, head of the Moral Majority, Rev. Jerry Falwell and Penthouse Magazine Publisher, Bob Guccione. Gentlemen, thanks for being with us this Saturday morning.”

“Good to be here, said Rev. Falwell.”

“Same here Jerry, but I’d like to say one thing to Ms Derek. I could provide a format for you to show the world your body art,” offered Mr. Guccione.

“Body art. You give that tripe a proper name? It’s defilement of God’s work!”

“Reverend, please calm down, we need to get on with the show.”

“I, of course, am you host, moderator and referee all rolled into one, Jerry Springer.”

“Our show will follow the system of our sister show, A Book Review 4 U. We’ll start with a comment from our resident Epinionator, Mr. D and then we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel.

“We now have Mr. D on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D. I hope it‘s not too early for you back in Arizona, after all it is six o’clock there isn‘t it?”

“Not an issue. I do most of my writing early in the morning.”

“I’m sorry. If I may get right to the point, what did you think of this movie, 9 Songs.

“I’ve read a few reviews on 9 songs and one thing they all seem to agree upon is that the movie has no story. I can’t disagree with them. There isn’t much of a story, but if you pay attention you do arrive at some interesting conclusions.”

“The plot of the movie can be boiled down to this, boy and girl meet at a, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, rock concert and go to his apt and f*ck. Another concert and another roll in the hay. With some small exceptions this is the modus operandi for nine concerts.”

“Matt is a scientist, a glaciologist and Lisa is a visiting American college student. Matt tried to keep up with Lisa, but I got the impression that he was overmatched, with Lisa, whom I thought was an excitement junkie. She was also more into experimentation. At one point, Matt went home by himself as she stayed with a woman.”

“I couldn’t figure out why the sex scenes seemed so well done – almost real. Then, as the movie progressed it became obvious. The bathtub scene with Matt and Lisa, the only actors in the movie, gave me the first clue. With Matt (Kieran O’Brien) leaning back on one side of the tub and Lisa (Margo Stilley) on the other, she uses her feet to massage his erect penis in full view of the viewers. That was about halfway through the movie and was only the beginning. Each sex scene thereafter, became increasing more explicit.”

“After about three months of steady rock concerts and sex, Lisa told Matt that she will soon be going back to America. Matt was crushed, so that afternoon Lisa cheered him up by … how can I say this? Blowing him! The viewer gets to see the whole shebang, just like a porn movie. She sucks on him for about thirty seconds and then the camera cuts away to a long view of Matt, ejaculating upon his abdomen.”

“On the day she is scheduled to leave, the spectator is presented a vision of the couple having intercourse including clear view of phallic penetration.”

“Speaking of the rock concerts, rock music fans, especially fans of British bands may be interested in the bands of the various concerts. I managed to dig seven of them out – they are:”

• Super Furry Animals
• The Dandy Warhols
• Franz Ferdinand
• Elbow
• Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
• The Von Bondies
• Primal Scream

Conclusion

“What one might get out of this movie depends upon what one’s expectations are. No, it doesn’t have much of a story, but I thought the overall product was entertaining and very watchable. The movie was realistic in everyway (not just the sex) and earthy. The acting by the two actors was really something to behold and so was the cinematography.”

“It should be pointed out that the writer, producer, director of 9 Songs, felt there was a double standard regarding reading material vs film. He thought, since many erotic and even mainstream books are extremely graphic, why can’t mainstream movies also depict graphic sex. In comparison to the present day trend of filthy degrading pornographic films, 9 songs must seem extremely tame. Still, it is a big leap forward in sexuality from the average boring, poorly done soft-core movie. Therefore, I’m going against the grain, Jerry, and giving the movie 5 stars.”

“Thank you for your insight Mr. Daumco. Now it’s time to get our panels opinion.”

“Let’s start with you Bruce, but before you start, I want you to consider a couple questions? Do you think it is proper to ask an actor to have sex on the screen and as an actor, would you have considered, such a part?”

“Bruce.”

“That’s a hell of a question, Jerry. I didn’t think you were that thoughtful. Let me talk about the film then I’ll go back to your question.”

“I thought, the film pioneered new ground. I don’t know if we’ll see more movies like that in the future but it certainly set the groundwork for them. I give the movie 4 stars.”

“As for your question. I’m sure, when you are first getting started you may be required to do parts that you could reject once you are established.”

“Fine, but what about you and is it appropriate?”

“I didn’t mention it but I interposed myself into your hypothetical equation. As for appropriate? If it’s in the script, it’s appropriate.”

“Very good. Bo. Bo! What are you doing?”

“I’m showing Reverend Falwell my body art.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t show anyone your piercing?”

“The Reverend said it’s okay to show him because he’s a holy man. Right Reverend?”

“Well, oomph. I didn’t quite say it that way. I said people think I’m a dweeb but their wrong. I’m wholly a man.”

“Okay, Sweetheart hurry up and put your clothes back on, before we get fined.”

“That’s alright Jerry, If you get fined. Penthouse will be glad to pay it. Ms Derek, I still want to talk about appearing in my mag –”

“That’s all right. I need to get Bo’s opinion of 9 songs. Bo did you hear my question to Bruce.”

“I think so.”

“And”

“Well, I liked the movie. It’s realistic. F*cking is what people do. I’d like to see more movies like that and I wouldn’t mind appearing in one myself. It would be my crowning achievement. I give the movie 5 stars.”

“Alright, Moving on. Reverend?”

“As you should know. There is no place in our society for dreck like this misbegotten movie and I certainly wouldn’t perform in a movie like that! 1 star.”

“I don’t think Jerry was asking you if you would screw on film reverend. Fat people don’t film too well naked.”

“I’ll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself, Mr. Smut peddler.”

“That’s okay Mr. Shyster. I’ll bet if I got Bo here to show her body art in Penthouse, you’d be the first in line for a co –”

“Bob, please. We may disagree but let’s do it with civility. Now what did you think of 9 Songs?”

“I loved it. It brought back memories of my randy movie Caligula.”

“Randy is right. That was pure pornograp –”

“Aw, so you’ve seen it. What other sex movies have you seen Reverend? How big a collection do you have. Huh?”

“Gentlemen please. We’re almost out of time. What is your rating, Bob?”

“5 stars”

“Thank you, Bob. That averages out to 4 stars.”

“So there you have it, 9 songs by Michael Winterbottom. Buy it!”

“That’s it for now. Join us next week when our guest reviewers will be Paris Hilton and General Tommie Franks.”

“Yes, Bob?”

“I just wanted to mention to Ms Derek that I may have the vehicle to her crowning achievement, since I would make a sequel to Caligula if she would star in it.”

“Now that’s an interesting proposition.”

“I’ll bet you get all kinds of propositions. Talk about it after the show. What are you doing?”

“Showing Bob my body art.”

“Until next week this is Jerry Springer slugging … I mean signing off. Have a great day!”

Author’s note: As you probably suspected this reviiew was written before the unfortunate and untimely death of the Reverend Falwell. No offense was intended and I hope none was taken.

August 8, 2007. body art, Books, erotic, explicit, five stars, four, Hollywood, Humor, intercourse, Jerry Springer, naked, Nude, President Bush, rock concert, satire, sex, sex scene, stars, sucks, tattoos, Uncategorized. 1 comment.