Secret Things – A Softcore Movie Worth Seeing.

Secret Things, French name – Choses Secretes, is the kind of movie one either loves or hates. I happened to be a lover. Even the fact that the movie was French with English sub titles did not dampen my enjoyment.

CAST
Coralie Revel – Nathalie
Sabrina Seyvecou – Sandrine
Roger Mirmont – Delacroix
Fabrice Deville – Christophe
Blandine Bury – Charlotte
Olivier Soler – Cadene

DIRECTOR
Jeanne-Claude Brisseau

THE PLOT
Roommates Nathalie (Coralie Revel) and Sandrine (Sabrina Seyvecou) compose a strategy to dispense sex strategically to manipulate men into submission for financial gain and advancement. They commence their plan at a large prestigious Paris brokerage house. After initial successes and rapid advancement, they meet their match in the company CEO, Christophe (Fabrice Deville) the handsome amoral son of the company’s founder.

THE STORY
A shapely woman reclines on a day bed. She is restless and she is NAKED. A spotlight seems to highlight her gyrations and machinations. She sits up and slips into high-heeled sandals. She leans back and puffs out her chest. She places one hand upon her breast and kneads her nipple. The hand moves down across her midriff to her sex and she massages it. Suddenly she stands up and deliberately struts across the hardwood floor. After a dozen or so purposeful steps, facing the camera, she lowers herself to her knees and bends back once again. The spotlight is still on her as she masturbates and as she masturbates, the camera pans right. After panning about ninety degrees, you start to see people sitting at tables and the more it pans, you realize you are in a nightclub and the woman is an exotic performer. The woman is Nathalie.

Nathalie and Sandrine a recently hired bartender were fired that night because Nathalie would not allow the owner to force Sandrine to sleep with a customer. Tossed out on the street with nowhere to go, Sandrine accepted Nathalie’s offer to spend the night. At her apartment, Nathalie urges Sandrine to loosen up after she admitted to admiring Nathalie’s nerve and lack of inhibitions.

Nathalie, with her dry humor and strong will, made Sandrine laugh and eventually coerced her to do in front of her what Nathalie had done in front of an audience. With that, the bond was sealed and plans were laid, based on Nathalie’s distorted view of love and sex, to manipulate all men and make a place in society for themselves. After the women’s initial successes and having compromised their boss Delacroix, (Roger Mirmont), their plan begins to devolve into a whirlpool of ruthlessness, unrequited love, group sex, lesbian sex, three-way sex, and masturbation, in which the only way out appears to be suicide or murder.

CONCLUSION

The highly charged erotic opening scene set the theme for the movie so well, that I was mesmerized for the rest of the movie. True nothing that came after, with the possible exception of an “Eyes Wide Shut” style orgy scene late in the movie, was quite as electric but I still enjoyed the movie immensely. You see Secret Things had a story. It had a plot. A good story, a good plot, and the overall acting was very good. Secret Things is the closest I have viewed to a commercially viable, mainstream, erotic movie.

The movie Secret Things is appropriately named. The storyline is structured on secrets, deception and the duplicitous side of human nature. It is a reflection of a murky, lascivious side of life, which rarely is truly, captured on film. In fact the movie seemed to touch on one form or another, at one point or another, on all of ‘The Seven Deadly Sins’ – pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth, obviously a perfect sinister erotic movie.

May 20, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . erotic, five stars, intercourse, naked, Nude, review, romance, satire, sensual, sensuous, sex, sex scene, sex scenes, sexy, Softcore, women. Leave a comment.

Zany Softcore from Playboy, The Fast Lane to Vegas

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Ahh! Fast Lane to Vegas! My kind of movie.

Of the few (scores that is) softcore movies I have viewed, Fast Lane to Vegas would have to be near the top in a list of my favorites. Fast Lane to Vegas is lighthearted, whimsical, sexy and erotic.

Fast Lane to Vegas is a sexual farce and doesn’t pretend to be anything else. The story is ably portrayed by the main characters, Zach (Stephen Harvard), Brian (Steve Curtis), Monica (Renee Rea) and Ashley (Tracy Ryan) and a plethora of attractive supporting cast members.

The Plot

Brian and Monica have a large wedding planned in Las Vegas. Monica, along with her best friend and Maid of Honor, Ashley, are already in Las Vegas, waiting for her fiancé, Brian’s arrival, who along with his friend and Best Man will be driving down from Los Angeles.

The Story

Before leaving for Vegas and his wedding Zack talks Brian into detouring to a showgirl party where Zack has a bachelor party lined up for Brian. Afterward, already late and hurrying to Las Vegas, Zack gets lost and they run across a couple sexy humanoid aliens. Then, trying to find their way back to their destination, they keep running into opportunities for sex with gorgeous horny gals, including in Mexico, where the bartender/mayor/judge decides to hang our boys for their indiscretions.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Monica, following Ashley’s example makes hay with a room service waiter and a male stripper. There are a couple side stories as well such as Brian’s future father-in-law hiring Biker Babe (Mia Zottoli) to follow Brian and Zack.

Credited Cast
Stephen Harvard Zack
Steve Curtis Brian
Renee Rea Monica
Tracy Ryan Ashley (as Tracy Angeles)
Nick Pellegrino Barkeep
Flower Juanita (as Flower Edwards)
Tera Patrick WiB #2 (as Tera Hopkins)
Mia Zottoli Biker Babe (as Ava Lake)
Bill Ferrante Mr. Sweethome
Sarah Kalla Heather
Dee Ginger (as Dee Summers)
Kelli McCarty WiB #1
Sasha Peralto Marina
Kelly Alane Chastity

Movie Data
Year: 2000 Indigo Entertainment/Playboy
Directed by: John Quinn
Version: Unrated DVD

Report Card

Story – B
Acting – B+
Directing – B+
Cinematography – A
Cast – A
Eroticism factor – B-
Entertainment factor – A
href=’https://dawningspeaks.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/hot-couple-embrace.jpg’ title=’hot-couple-embrace.jpg’>hot-couple-embrace.jpg

Conclusion
For softcore presented in a zany, slapstick style, Fast Lane is very good. The misadventures of Zack and Brian are madcap, goofy and hilarious, especially Zack, who seems to be able to talk Brian into mischief. The ladies are essentially an all-star cast of soft and hardcore stars, as Renee Rea, Tracy Ryan, Angela Davies, Flower Edwards, Tera Patrick, Mia Zottoli, Kelli Mccarthy and Sasha Peralto, all show what they have.
This is the second “Fast Lane” movie that Indigo/Playboy released, the first being “Fast Lane to Malibu”, which featured almost the same cast and much the same concept. Both movies were originally featured on the Playboy channel and both movies are available together as a package. Personally, I didn’t appreciate “Malibu” as much but I will review the two movie package at a future date.

Both films are touted as ‘interactive movies’, where the viewer can choose at certain points either of two scenarios. I tried it a couple times, but I thought it was more a gimmick than something that added to the enjoyment of the movie. After choosing a scenario both ways a couple times and ending up at the same juncture after two or three minutes, I decided not to worry about this marginal feature.

For those wondering, the sex scenes were all well done though obviously simulated and honestly, more amusing than steamy. Still with the attractiveness of the cast involved, the sex scenes are still quite erotic. There were a total of nine sex scenes, including a fairly intense one with a girl pleasuring herself..

Since this movie is offered in both R rating and unrated, I made special effort to make sure I was buying the unrated version. I haven’t viewed the R rated version, but from my experience, unrated versions give me much more of the reason for which I watch softcore movies. Final Rating, 4.4 stars.

April 2, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . erotic, Hollywood, Las Vegas, naked, Nude, review, satire, sensual, sensuous, sex, sex scenes, sexy, Softcore. 1 comment.

New feature on my Myspace page

Hey everyone. I just put up three slideshows featuring body art on my Myspace page. Some of this art work is extraordinary. Check it out, Here’s a sample of the slideshows.

Check it out. Here’s a link to my page:

December 26, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , . body art, naked, Nude, sensual, sexy, tattoos, women. Leave a comment.

Forbidden Passion is up for an Award, HELP!

I’m sorry I haven’t been here for awhile. I’ve been moving and all sorts of fun things so I have a backlog of stuff to tell you about.

What’s this? This is shamelessly seeking votes. One of my books is up for an award so I’m repeating a blog I posteed on my other blog, Erotic Musings, Dee Dawning. So take pity on this struggling author who is the middle of moving and hasn’t bought one thing for XMas and vote for my book.

First of all, my cute spunky novelette, Forbidden Passion has been nominated for best short story for 2007 by Red Roses Reviews for Authors, but to win it needs your vote. What? You didn’t read it! Why not? It matters not. I’m sure other authors are cheating. Take my word for it, it’s saucy, it’s clever, humorous and it’s feel good, good, so click on the following link and vote for it: http://redrosesforauthors.blogspot.com/2007/11/christmas-awards-2997.html

Cover of Forbidden Passion

Now for those who haven’t read it, here’s one of the reviews it received and a sample excerpt.

Forbidden Passion
Dee Dawning/Forbidden Passion/Dark Eden Press/ebook/34pgs

Adelina goes to meet her lover in a meadow beside Caspia Sea. It is forbidden for even the King’s son to make love with a Fala maiden. Reproduction is a clinical thing, because of the sickness that once destroyed so many of their people. So when Ada comes naked from the lake after they bath they are both arrested for breaking the ancient law.

This book is an erotic romp. I am not going to tell you any more because it is a short and I do not want to give the plot away. At its heart there is a love story and that is what makes it a good fun read. Dee is always a good writer and this science fiction story is no exception. If you enjoy your stories hot you will want this one! Five red roses. Anne
http://www.darkedenpress.com
Posted by Redrosesfor authors.reviews at 11:29

Sexy Excerpt (R rated)

Freshly bathed and still dripping wet, Adalina came around the corner of a stand of trees, planning to run and jump into the waiting arms of her lover. Instead, three helmeted soldiers, with loaded spear-guns, were standing around him. She started to run to him when someone grabbed her from behind.

Adalina stomped on his foot and broke away but another soldier grabbed her before she advanced three paces. Swinging her fisted right hand and connecting with her new assailant, she broke free once more only to be corralled by the original attacker, who had recovered. He grabbed, and held both of her arms behind her and pushed her towards the other soldiers and Mitheas.

The leader spoke, “A Fala and a pretty one. Prince Mitheas, you know better than that. Co-mingling with Falas out of season is forbidden. Your grandfather, the king, will be sorely disappointed.”

“As I am sorely disappointed in you, Cap’n Magis. Sneaking around and following me.”

“The law is clear and applies to everyone. Even royalty. However, because of your status, I will grant you and your tramp Fala a favor. I will not mention in my report that you were seen fucking the Fala.”

“Do as you will. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed about. I will proudly proclaim my love for Ada to grandpa, and that we have made love.”

“Humpf!” Cap’n Magis turned to his men and said: “Take the wench to the castle and place her in detention.”

“Yes Cap’n,” answered the sergeant.

They placed a pole behind Adalina’s back and between the crook of her elbows and bound her hands. Wide eyed Ada stared imploringly at Mitheas. He noticed tears had welled up in her eyes. They tied a rope around her waist, strung it to the large six-legged boonsan, and led her off.

“Don’t worry, my love. Everything will be fine. I’ll see to it,” yelled Mitheas.

She turned, and forced herself to smile. Now Mitheas was worried. He whispered to the Cap’n. “I will personally hold you responsible should anything befall her. You hear!”

Cap’n Magis, concern now revealed in his eyes said, “Oh sergeant!” The sergeant turned to the Cap’n. “One more thing. Make sure that you and your men keep their hands off the sexy Fala whore.”

The Sergeant bowed his head and said, “As you wish, sir”

“What about my clothes?” yelled Adalina, not liking the long stares she was getting from the soldiers.

“What clothes? I see no garments.”
“They’re scattered about.” Mitheas said.

The sergeant asked his commander, “Should I gather her clothing?”

“Nay. I want Lor D’ana to see the Fala harlot the way we found her.”

This just a sample of the goodies that lie in wait for you in this sexy, fun, feel good story that you can read for less than a cup of Starbucks coffee. http://www.darkedenpress.com/book_dee-dawning-forbidden-passion.html

December 12, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . award, erotic, Humor, naked, Nude, review, romance, sensuous, sex. Leave a comment.

Erotica in the movie world – Tinto Brass’s Cheeky

cheeky.jpg
Cheeky, released in Europe by the name Trasgredire, is a good name for this farcical romp because there is a strong emphasis on cheeks. Women’s that is and not the facial kind.

The feature opens with our heroine(?), Carla (Yuliya Mayarchuk) briskly strolling though Hyde Park, observing amorous couples in various states of passion, (something I seem to miss on my jaunts through a park) when a stereo-typical flasher opens his trench coat and exhibits his faux penis to Carla. Was she shocked? Did she run? No, she smiled and lifted up her flimsy miniskirt and a flashed her beaver back at him. In a way it was funny as it was meant to be, but it gives you an idea about the inanity of the movie.

The Plot

Carla has moved from her home of Italy, for some undisclosed reason, to London. Her boyfriend Matteo (Jarno Berardi) is supposed to join her and she needs to find somewhere to live. She encounters a real estate agent named Moira (Francesca Nunzi) a lesbian who fancies her and provides a huge apartment for two pounds a month or something like that. In Italy, Matteo’s good friend tells him that women always fool around when they are away and gets him jealous.

The Story

Meanwhile, Moira is after Carla. They play around a little but Carla draws the line. She tells Moira she likes men. She likes cocks. Afterward she goes to a party with Moira and meets and has sex with Moira’s ex-husband. No, I didn’t get it either – a lesbian having a husband. For those into randy scenes this party was a gem, with the exposed bottoms of several women lined up on a couch and a couple other explicit genitalia shots. I do believe the all male shots were done with fake paraphernalia though.

Things aren’t going to well between Carla and Matteo. After discovering a photo of Carla laying in sand in the buff he flies all the way to London to confront her with the picture. She lays the story on him it was her old boyfriend, but Matteo discovers that she was seeing the other guy and him at the same time. He then demands if she has any other secrets and she tells him how she had sex with his friend.

Disgusted he leaves and takes a walk through the same Hyde Park in which the movie opened and he also sees amorous couples and passion. (gotta go to Hyde Park) Watching one amorous couple he discovers he isn’t the only voyeur. Another man is watching who informs Matteo that the woman is his wife. Matteo then seems to have an epiphany and goes back to Carla. He tells her it’s alright if she wants to cheat on him, as long as she’s open about it. The End.

I did have a problem with the last part but I didn’t watch the movie for the story. Let’s face it the story is incidental to the nudity and action.

Credited cast (partial):
Yuliya Mayarchuk …. Carla
Jarno Berardi …. Matteo
Francesca Nunzi …. Moira
Max Parodi …. Marion
Mauro Lorenz …. Bernard
Leila Carli …. Nina
Vittorio Attene …. Luca

Directed by …. Tinto Brass

Conclusion

It’s hard to give a bad or even average rating to a movie that you watched a second time. On reflection, it wasn’t very good. The story was lacking and the acting was lackluster yet it seemed redeemed somewhat in my eyes by it’s audacity and incredibly naughtiness.

Ultimately, it seemed like the movie was created to showcase and built around the perky, attractive Russian star – Yuliya Mayarchuk. Not a bad subject to build a softcore movie around. Yuliya is svelte yet shapely and looks great without her clothes. One of the highlights of the film for me was when Yuliya, Who has a strong resemblance to Reese Whitherspoon, performed a reverse strip tease.

Cheeky was the first Tinto Brass movie I’ve seen since I viewed the raunchy Caligula. It was dubbed in English but the European version Trasgredire, is in a foreign language with or without subtitles.

Tinto brass makes a couple cameo appearances in the movie. He may have even been the flasher in the beginning. The flasher was wearing a Groucho Marx style mask.

Like I said. It’s not a particularly good movie but there is something there that grabbed me. Rating 4 stars.

Note: If you buy or rent this movie, make sure you get the producers cut or the unrated version.

October 17, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . erotic, explicit, fantasies, Humor, naked, Nude, satire, sex, sexual intercourse. 3 comments.

‘If I want you in my arms. All I have to do is Dream’

I’m sure that many if not most of you are not familiar with the lyrics I used from am old 1950’s Everly Brothers song for my title, but it sure came to my mind when I read this article on wet dreams. I find the article interesting so I’m going to share it with my readers.

Question: have you ever experienced an orgasm from a dream?

My answer: No. Unfortunately not in years, but I have in the past. Now days some kind of sub-conscious censor has implanted himself in my psyche. I can start a sexy dream but just before I get to the really good part a curtain falls as if someone said you’re not allowed to go there. At this point I wake up frustrated and disappointed.

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The following is a an article from the AOL Love and Dating pages.

****
The Latest in Love & Dating News:
Fun Facts About Sex Dreams

Posted: 2007-08-23 14:02:57

Chances are, you had a sex dream this week. Fully eight percent of
our dreams involve sexual situations, according to a new study from
psychologists at the University of Montreal in Canada.

Interestingly, women have just as many sex dreams as men, with one
important difference: Men are far more likely to have fantasies about
sex with imaginary people, while women dream about current or past
sexual partners, as well as celebrities, reports HealthDay News.

“Men used to report many more sex dreams, twice as many as women, and
we don’t find that difference anymore,” study author Antonio Zadra,
an associate professor of psychology at the University of Montreal,
explained to HealthDay News. “Either women are having them more, or
they’re more likely to report them. Either way, it’s interesting. ”

Even though sex dreams are very common, psychologists haven’t paid
much attention to them. For this study, the team asked 109 women and
64 men ages 20 to 89, all of whom responded to an ad about the
research project, to keep a diary of their dreams for as long as one
month. The total number of dreams exceeded 3,500.

What do we dream about?

— The most common sex dream involved sexual intercourse, followed by
flirting, kissing, fantasies and masturbation.

— Four percent of sex dreams among men and women resulted in an
orgasm.

— 18 percent of women’s sex dreams involved unwanted sex, compared
with just five percent of men.

— Nine percent of sex dreams among women and five percent among men
involved fantasies about celebrities.

— Men were far more likely to dream about having sex with more than
one person.

— Four percent of women’s dreams featured a partner having an
orgasm. None of the men reported this dream.

Zadra explained that if you dream about something, it probably
occupies your waking thoughts as well. “If the sex dreams tend to
involve unknown or fantasy characters, it is probably a reflection of
your waking state, that your desires and fantasies are with
strangers,” he told HealthDay News.

The study findings were reported at the annual meeting of the
Associated Professional Sleep Societies in Minneapolis, Minn.

Eighty percent of us have a wet dream once a week. Do you? If you’re one of the lucky ones, is it always the same or is it different each time? Would you like to tell us about it?

August 25, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . celebrities, dream, erotic, explicit, flirting, intercourse, kissing, masturbation, men, naked, Nude, orgasm, Psychiatry, relationship, research, sex, sex dream, sexual intercourse, study, therapist, women. 2 comments.

A Movie Review 4 U � 9 Songs (An X Rated Review)

WARNING: This is an informative and irreverent review about an explicit unrated movie. If you are easily offended, please don’t read it. If you do, please don’t complain about it.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the initial edition of A Movie Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing the British movie billed as an explicit mainstream movie, 9 Songs, written, produced and directed by Michael Winterbottom”

9-songs.jpg

“With us, this fine Saturday morning, our regular panel members, the lovely, Bo Derek, who as movie stars go, has probably been filmed in the nude more than any other Hollywood actress. Hello Bo, I see we’re wearing clothes today.”

“Well, I am. I don’t know if I’d call your outfit, clothes, Jerry. Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready to show off my private tattoo yet.”

“And the gentleman to her left is of course, Mr. Macho, Bruce Willis, who also has an erotic scene or two to his credit. Bruce.”

“Good to be here, Jerry.”

“Bruce. What are you doing?”

“I’m just seeing if Bo will show me her tattoo. I’m a big fan of tattoos, especially private ones.”

“What are you doing Bo?”

“Bruce wants to see my tattoo. I’ve got a piercing too, but I can’t show you that, Brucie.”

“Really? Can you please show me? After the show, of course.”

“I don’t think so Jerry”

“Shucks! Last but not least are our two guest panel members, head of the Moral Majority, Rev. Jerry Falwell and Penthouse Magazine Publisher, Bob Guccione. Gentlemen, thanks for being with us this Saturday morning.”

“Good to be here, said Rev. Falwell.”

“Same here Jerry, but I’d like to say one thing to Ms Derek. I could provide a format for you to show the world your body art,” offered Mr. Guccione.

“Body art. You give that tripe a proper name? It’s defilement of God’s work!”

“Reverend, please calm down, we need to get on with the show.”

“I, of course, am you host, moderator and referee all rolled into one, Jerry Springer.”

“Our show will follow the system of our sister show, A Book Review 4 U. We’ll start with a comment from our resident Epinionator, Mr. D and then we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel.

“We now have Mr. D on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D. I hope it‘s not too early for you back in Arizona, after all it is six o’clock there isn‘t it?”

“Not an issue. I do most of my writing early in the morning.”

“I’m sorry. If I may get right to the point, what did you think of this movie, 9 Songs.

“I’ve read a few reviews on 9 songs and one thing they all seem to agree upon is that the movie has no story. I can’t disagree with them. There isn’t much of a story, but if you pay attention you do arrive at some interesting conclusions.”

“The plot of the movie can be boiled down to this, boy and girl meet at a, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, rock concert and go to his apt and f*ck. Another concert and another roll in the hay. With some small exceptions this is the modus operandi for nine concerts.”

“Matt is a scientist, a glaciologist and Lisa is a visiting American college student. Matt tried to keep up with Lisa, but I got the impression that he was overmatched, with Lisa, whom I thought was an excitement junkie. She was also more into experimentation. At one point, Matt went home by himself as she stayed with a woman.”

“I couldn’t figure out why the sex scenes seemed so well done – almost real. Then, as the movie progressed it became obvious. The bathtub scene with Matt and Lisa, the only actors in the movie, gave me the first clue. With Matt (Kieran O’Brien) leaning back on one side of the tub and Lisa (Margo Stilley) on the other, she uses her feet to massage his erect penis in full view of the viewers. That was about halfway through the movie and was only the beginning. Each sex scene thereafter, became increasing more explicit.”

“After about three months of steady rock concerts and sex, Lisa told Matt that she will soon be going back to America. Matt was crushed, so that afternoon Lisa cheered him up by … how can I say this? Blowing him! The viewer gets to see the whole shebang, just like a porn movie. She sucks on him for about thirty seconds and then the camera cuts away to a long view of Matt, ejaculating upon his abdomen.”

“On the day she is scheduled to leave, the spectator is presented a vision of the couple having intercourse including clear view of phallic penetration.”

“Speaking of the rock concerts, rock music fans, especially fans of British bands may be interested in the bands of the various concerts. I managed to dig seven of them out – they are:”

• Super Furry Animals
• The Dandy Warhols
• Franz Ferdinand
• Elbow
• Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
• The Von Bondies
• Primal Scream

Conclusion

“What one might get out of this movie depends upon what one’s expectations are. No, it doesn’t have much of a story, but I thought the overall product was entertaining and very watchable. The movie was realistic in everyway (not just the sex) and earthy. The acting by the two actors was really something to behold and so was the cinematography.”

“It should be pointed out that the writer, producer, director of 9 Songs, felt there was a double standard regarding reading material vs film. He thought, since many erotic and even mainstream books are extremely graphic, why can’t mainstream movies also depict graphic sex. In comparison to the present day trend of filthy degrading pornographic films, 9 songs must seem extremely tame. Still, it is a big leap forward in sexuality from the average boring, poorly done soft-core movie. Therefore, I’m going against the grain, Jerry, and giving the movie 5 stars.”

“Thank you for your insight Mr. Daumco. Now it’s time to get our panels opinion.”

“Let’s start with you Bruce, but before you start, I want you to consider a couple questions? Do you think it is proper to ask an actor to have sex on the screen and as an actor, would you have considered, such a part?”

“Bruce.”

“That’s a hell of a question, Jerry. I didn’t think you were that thoughtful. Let me talk about the film then I’ll go back to your question.”

“I thought, the film pioneered new ground. I don’t know if we’ll see more movies like that in the future but it certainly set the groundwork for them. I give the movie 4 stars.”

“As for your question. I’m sure, when you are first getting started you may be required to do parts that you could reject once you are established.”

“Fine, but what about you and is it appropriate?”

“I didn’t mention it but I interposed myself into your hypothetical equation. As for appropriate? If it’s in the script, it’s appropriate.”

“Very good. Bo. Bo! What are you doing?”

“I’m showing Reverend Falwell my body art.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t show anyone your piercing?”

“The Reverend said it’s okay to show him because he’s a holy man. Right Reverend?”

“Well, oomph. I didn’t quite say it that way. I said people think I’m a dweeb but their wrong. I’m wholly a man.”

“Okay, Sweetheart hurry up and put your clothes back on, before we get fined.”

“That’s alright Jerry, If you get fined. Penthouse will be glad to pay it. Ms Derek, I still want to talk about appearing in my mag –”

“That’s all right. I need to get Bo’s opinion of 9 songs. Bo did you hear my question to Bruce.”

“I think so.”

“And”

“Well, I liked the movie. It’s realistic. F*cking is what people do. I’d like to see more movies like that and I wouldn’t mind appearing in one myself. It would be my crowning achievement. I give the movie 5 stars.”

“Alright, Moving on. Reverend?”

“As you should know. There is no place in our society for dreck like this misbegotten movie and I certainly wouldn’t perform in a movie like that! 1 star.”

“I don’t think Jerry was asking you if you would screw on film reverend. Fat people don’t film too well naked.”

“I’ll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself, Mr. Smut peddler.”

“That’s okay Mr. Shyster. I’ll bet if I got Bo here to show her body art in Penthouse, you’d be the first in line for a co –”

“Bob, please. We may disagree but let’s do it with civility. Now what did you think of 9 Songs?”

“I loved it. It brought back memories of my randy movie Caligula.”

“Randy is right. That was pure pornograp –”

“Aw, so you’ve seen it. What other sex movies have you seen Reverend? How big a collection do you have. Huh?”

“Gentlemen please. We’re almost out of time. What is your rating, Bob?”

“5 stars”

“Thank you, Bob. That averages out to 4 stars.”

“So there you have it, 9 songs by Michael Winterbottom. Buy it!”

“That’s it for now. Join us next week when our guest reviewers will be Paris Hilton and General Tommie Franks.”

“Yes, Bob?”

“I just wanted to mention to Ms Derek that I may have the vehicle to her crowning achievement, since I would make a sequel to Caligula if she would star in it.”

“Now that’s an interesting proposition.”

“I’ll bet you get all kinds of propositions. Talk about it after the show. What are you doing?”

“Showing Bob my body art.”

“Until next week this is Jerry Springer slugging … I mean signing off. Have a great day!”

Author’s note: As you probably suspected this reviiew was written before the unfortunate and untimely death of the Reverend Falwell. No offense was intended and I hope none was taken.

August 8, 2007. body art, Books, erotic, explicit, five stars, four, Hollywood, Humor, intercourse, Jerry Springer, naked, Nude, President Bush, rock concert, satire, sex, sex scene, stars, sucks, tattoos, Uncategorized. 1 comment.