A SILLY SEXUAL FARCE


Bacchanales Sexuelles (DVD)

Ok! So it had a Swiss cheese plot. That’s not so unusual for a soft core move is it? I’ve seen my share of soft porn movies and usually, not always but usually, what was lacking in a storyline was made up by the fact, that numerous gorgeous gals were romping around in the altogether, doing stimulating things to make you forget, there was even supposed to be a plot.

Yes, Bacchanalles had a lot of nudity and a lot of make believe sex but except for the star, Joelle Coeur, who was genuinely a looker, most of the rest, looked like the girls, that get better looking at closing time. I know everybody can’t always be fussy about the women they make love to, but certainly, they can be fussy about the ones they watch women make love. Right?

So what do we have? We have a plot, which, believe it of not, could have been the inspiration for “Eyes Wide Shut”. Oops! I’ve already said too much! Bacchanalles Sexuelles, meaning `sexual festival`, features a generally unattractive cast of amateurish, stiff (not that way) actors and actresses, performing mostly sans clothing, in a fairly low budget, thirty year old erotic, French movie, with subtitles, where you sometimes have to choose between reading the subtitles, or watching the action. Still interested? Read on.

Valerie, the one bright spot in the movie, played by Joelle Coeur, who along with her friend Sophia, (Brigette De Borghese) is apartment sitting for her cousin, when Sophia, unbeknownst to Valerie is kidnapped by a sex cult. Valerie is awakened in the morning by Fred, whom Sophia apparently invited over without Valerie’s knowledge. Fred forces Valerie to have sex, which she ultimately enjoys.

In the meantime The culprits realize they have kidnapped the wrong girl, for they really needed Valerie and not Sophia for their evil purposes, so the head seductress, (my expression) sends one of the cultists, pretending to be a maid, back to the apartment to garner information on Valerie, where she promptly ends up in a bathtub with Valerie and Fred before taking their ma`nage a trois to the small (double) bed in the bedroom, where the action continues for what seems like hours.

Eventually the real maid shows up and Fred and Valerie, the super sleuths (that`s sleuths as in detectives, not sluts as in ….) that they are, start to unravel the mystery of Sophia. But not until we have a half dozen more sex scenes including the grand finale, an orgy of cultists. WOW!
Conclusion

I suppose this movie in a sense was an orgy. An excess of mediocrity. It also had a sense of absurdity. This may have been purposeful, which, it was would somewhat mitigate against the amateurish feeling of the film, However, that said, for all it`s weaknesses, it wasn’t that bad. Like I said the story was full of holes and except for two ladies, the femmes were closer to homely than attractive, or they were hard and used looking. That said, their bodies were decent and the were enough (probably a dozen) sex scenes, that I wouldn’t stop anyone from watching this bomb.

Another point should make is that being filmed over thirty years ago and in Europe, the girls were unshaved, including in some cases, under the arms. Also the color quality was a little flat.

June 7, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . movie, naked, sensual, sensuous, sex, Softcore, women. Leave a comment.

Kiss of the Spider Woman, The Worst Movie Ever

Once again I must set the record straight (no pun intended). Despite the overwhelming abundance of glowing reviews, Kiss of the Spider Woman for me is the all time leading celluloid drag (no pun intended, really). It is literally the movie both my wife and I use to epitomize the the absolute worst, the bottom of the barrel (npi).

Now I’ll admit it’s been a long time since I’ve seen this movie but there have been very very few movies, after spending spending seven dollars to get in and more in sundries, that I have walked out on but walk out before the end of this loathsome movie, I did.

The Boring Plot

Kiss of the Spider Woman is primarily set in an Argentinian prison cell at some unknown time (probably the sixties). The incarcerated occupants are Luis Molina (William Hurt) an insufferable drag queen and Valentin Arregui (Raul Julia) a firebrand political prisoner who at first is wary of his homosexual cellmate but eventually understands him and finally accepts and befriends him.

At first Molina, who is sometimes seen with makeshift turbans, shawls and other effeminate paraphernalia, merely seeks Valentin’s respect of what he is and his lifestyle, but he is obviously attracted to the virile revolutionary and secretly covets a romantic liaison. Molina weaves his web on Valentin by occasionally entertaining himself and Valentin with his view of old movies, (presented in the movie as flashbacks) one of which is a Nazi propaganda film, which the fanciful queen misinterprets in terms only of romance. These Flashbacks contain Brazilian starlet Sonia Braga who is apparently the namesake of the movie – The Spider Woman.

Credits

Directed by
Hector Babenco

Writing credits (in alphabetical order)
Manuel Puig novel
Leonard Schrader

Cast (in credits order) complete, awaiting verification
William Hurt …. Luis Molina
Raul Julia …. Valentin Arregui
Sonia Braga …. Leni Lamaison/Marta/Spider Woman

SUMMARY

The word of the day is Boring. What’s that old saying, “like watching grass grow,” this was perhaps the most boring movie I have ever had the mispleasure (is that a word?) to see. Almost all of the acting was dialogue and the dialogue was slow, repetitive, suggestive and full of double entendres, none of which were clever. They exchange ideas of masculinity, of sexuality and politics. The relief from the boredom in the form of the sepia toned flashbacks were confusing, irrelevant and disjointed. Molina’s interpretations of these flashbacks were warped, contrived and self serving.

Yes their are subplots. Molina has been offered freedom in exchange for information from Valentin and Valentin who is slowly being poisoned by his captors is taken out periodically for tortuous interrogations but that still doesn’t save this movie. Overall this movie was a dreadful effort with no redeeming qualities. Final rating, 0 Stars

CONCLUSION

I must confess to a certain amount of ambivalence. Not about the movie itself but whether I should write a review about this abysmal movie in the face of such adoration for this movie by other reviewers and the public in general. It was after all up for several Oscar nominations and William Hurt did walk away with an Oskie for best actor and the acting was indeed good. I have no more idea why so many people loved this movie than why the recent election went the way it did. This is a case of one person’s treasure is another person’s junk or in this case many people’s treasure is one man and wife’s junk and junk it is!

For me it is mind boggling that anyone could like this movie. I know some of you may shrug and think that I’m a homophobe. Well I’m not. One does not have to be a homophobe to not like a movie involving a blatant homosexual any more than you’re a bigot if you didn’t like a movie about blacks or Jews or Whites or whatever. Bad is Bad but if any real homophobes happened to see this movie I’ll bet it reinforced their convoluted view of gays. To them it was probably like waring garlic around a vampire.

August 23, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . Argentina, gay, homosexual, insurgents, kissing, movie, politics, prison, queen, rebels, reviews. 1 comment.

Erotica Gone Wild – Emanuelle in America

This movie is only for the open minded. Expect nudity aplenty along with some explicit sex, bestiality, even simulated snuff film footage.

Movie Poster

I have probably watched, under duress I might add, about a dozen Emmanuelle/Emanuelle movies, out the approximately two dozen or so available movies, (talk about sequels) so for those of you not familiar, a little background is in order. After seeing so many of these movies, I have come to the conclusion that name Emmanuelle means beautiful nymph in French. It is obvious because, in each of these movies, the only common denominator is a gorgeous woman of the world, who sleeps around, a lot.

Ok, I was kidding. The movies have a couple other common denominators, lousy plots and plenty T & A, so it is obvious that these movies were made for one reason and one reason only (other than to make money), to turn people, including me, on, so if you’re looking for brainfood you have mistakenly pushed the eye candy button.

Now, I know you are all dying to know why I said Emmanuelle/Emanuelle. Can you guess? I’ll give you a hint. Franco/Italio. Get it? What have I got to do? Draw you a picture. The first Emmanuelle movies were made in France and it took two years to get over the Alps to Italy and when it did they said ‘mama mia buenvideo’ or something like, that and started making Emanuelle movies, which means in Italian – beautiful fallen angel. As you have now, probably figured out, Emanuelle in America is of the Italio, fallen angel persuasion.

Emanuelle in America

As I said, I have probably viewed a dozen or so of these movies but Emanuelle in America was truly a surprise for me. There were parts in this film that made even me, blush. I didn’t say I closed my eyes or turned my head. I blushed. In fact, I grabbed the remote and went over the parts that made me blush so I could blush a few more times.

####WARNING####

If you are the kind of person who doesn’t like to read about SEX and are easily embarassed or offended and wish you hadn‘t started reading this crazy review about this crazy movie, I understand, I’m the same way, sort of, so go with my blessing. Just give me a Most Helpful before you do and I’ll say a prayer for you and review a Disney movie in the future.

Back to the diehards. Emanuelle in America is one kinky, MF (morbid flick) which is not surprising since it was directed by Joe D’Amato, who is notorious for sex and gore.

PLOT

In this movie, Emanuelle (Laura Gemser), is a “fashion photographer” (of nude women), photo journalist, investigative reporter (both undercover and above cover) and any other thing you can think of. After a preliminary scene where Emanuelle goes down on some guy with a gun that wants to kill her, she goes off to join some millionaire’s zodiac conceived concubine (Emanuelle‘s a Virgo). After bedding his right hand man, an interlude with two other naked girls in the pool and a lesbian scene in a sauna we are treated to a scene where a naked lady masturbates a horse. No really, I’m not kidding. While this is going on, Emanuelle is ostensibly taking voyeuristic photos with a miniature camera, embedded in a bracelet.

After she makes her getaway from the millionaires California compound, Emanuelle hooks up with a Duke? From Venice (Italy) who invites her the annual wingding he and his wife throw. After a manage a trios with the Duke and Duchess we have the shindig, which turns into a big orgy and of course our heroine is walking around the naked bodies, again taking pictures with the little camera, this time mounted in a tasteless costume jewelry necklace with an extra long chain, which is so obvious she may as well blurt out, “Hey, You mind if I take some fu*king pictures”. Here we get our first glimpse of hardcore as a woman performs fellatio.

Next our liberated mostly undercover trollop is off to a Caribbean island she heard about at the orgy, where the services of well endowed men (studs) are available (for sale) to wealthy women. The movie continues with her viewing and photographing more graphic sex, with her poorly hidden camera and even an investigation into the source of some snuff film footage, of which I will not go into.

What’s good

~ As usual Laura Gemser was lovely, though when she was fully dressed, her clothes seemed overly large on her. She must be tiny.

~ I must admit that I was intrigued rather than turned, off by the hardcore scenes. I was caught totally off guard, having never seen them in previous Emmanuelle/Emanuelle movies.

~ There was lots of nudity but except for Emanuelle with her Barbie Doll figure and the anatomically pleasing Duchess, few were exceptionally attractive.

What‘s not

~ Although Miss Gemser is shown entering into numerous intimate scenes, they all cut away before anything beside preliminaries are shown, (exception, the lesbian scenes).

~ For a professional undercover investigative photographer, Emanuelle was certainly obvious with her supposedly surreptitious photography, nor was her camera well hidden.

~ I may be wrong but some of the explicit sexual scenes in the movie looked, to me, like they were borrowed from other films. Oh well, who cares?

~ The story was weak and the ending was terrible but I’d watch it again!

~ In the scene where the kid had a gun to Emanuelle’s head, she didn’t appear to be the least bit nervous, let alone scared. Well, it was a bit laughable.

~ In fact, I guess you would have to say that overall the acting was weak but then who watches these movies for the acting.

~ Some of the cinematography and editing seemed weak as well. That means it looked like your home movies. (The quality not the subject matter {I hope})

Laura Gemser

CONCLUSION

When it comes to this version of Emanuelle, all you have to remember is Laura Gemser. For one hundred minutes we see Laura Gemser traipsing around the world mostly in profile. Now Gemser is a Eurasian beauty, no doubt, but not in profile. She, like another beauty, Heather Locklear do not photograph that well in profile. They kind of look like somebody stole the tip of their nose.

I must admit to some ambivalence regarding this film. On the one hand the film was fascinating, wondering what new kinky perversion D’Amato was going to throw at you next, as he pushed the envelope of decency, by tackling subjects that were taboo in polite society. Overall I enjoyed the film despite numerous flaws, so I’m not sure how I should rate it. I guess I’ll play it safe and rate it in the middle, 3 stars.

PS. This film is not recommended for children under the age of thirty-five!

Author’s Note

I usually try to provide a list of the cast but other than Laura Gemser, I was unable to find any credits for the other participants. Perhaps the supporting cast thought their performances were so bad, they wished remain anonymous.

March 16, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . erotic, explicit, Humor, intercourse, naked, overated, sex scenes, sexy, Softcore, women. 1 comment.