Whatever Lola Wants! An R Rated Review

The Bottom Line
A good movie if you and your significant other wish to set the mood for what goes on in the movie.

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Softcore as opposed to hardcore, is a mild form of pornography – pornography defined as: the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement – wherein the actors and actresses, either naked or partially clothed, engage in, what at least for appearance sake are, simulated sex acts. Hardcore, is of course, the graphic celluloid recording of actual sex acts in detail and usually focusing in on the actors genitalia.

I don’t know about this particular movie but many softcore films have been shown on late night cable movie channels, like Cinemax and Showtime. Not that hardcore films are hard to get but one of the advantages of softcore films is that they are easier to obtain and carry less of a social stigma, if one tends to feel guilty about watching such things, especially since even mainstream commercial movies, occasionally, have the equivalent of softcore scenes.

The reason I say they are easier to obtain is that they are readily available for sale on websites such as Amazon and Ebay and many can be rented from Netflix and Blockbusters. This particular movie was rented from Netflix.

Frivolous Lola

It seems to be a leading lady in a Tinto Brass film you must:

• Be young and attractive
• Have an exceptional sensuous body
• Not be shy about nudity
• Exude a cheerful, lighthearted persona
• Act loveably naughty.

That has been the case in the previous Brass films I have watched and reviewed and Frivolous Lola is no exception. Rumor has it that the inscrutable producer of erotica met the vivacious young actress, Anna Ammirati while examining her body. The body of her car that is, after being involved in a traffic accident with her. It doesn’t matter whose fault it was, the outcome was inevitable – Anna gallivanting around with little or no clothing in his next movie. Anna is reputed to have entreated the enigmatic director to feature her in his next movie and a enchanting match was born.

The Plot

Lola is a carefree lass in an unnamed village in Italy of some notoriety and gossip. Her mother who grew up there, left years before but returned with a handsome paramour, Andr’e and a vibrant sexually precocious teen daughter, Lola.

Lola is a virgin a condition she dislikes. She is engaged to the son of the village baker, Masetto, whom she wants to deflower her. Masetto would like to wait for their wedding night and this frustrates Lola.
A sub plot of the movie is Lola’s relationship with her alleged father, Andr’e. They both find each other intriguing and therefore, attractive.

The Story

The story revolves around Lola’s efforts to get Masetto to make love with her and thus take her virginity. She tries various tricks, including making him jealous by coming on with other men. There was even a scene in a tavern where she is jitterbugging with three soldiers, sans her panties, with flashes of her genital folds and pubis.

Lola’s alleged father Andr’e fascinates her. He is somewhat of a leach with prurient instincts and she is drawn to and fanaticizes about him. She makes a couple unsuccessful attempts to seduce him.

In the end Lola does trick Masetto into deflowering her – her term and at their wedding the next day a scene takes place between Lola and Andr’e where you are left wondering, no believing that they also have sex.

In hindsight it may be a take on that old song of the fifties, “Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets.”

Cast

Anna Ammirati …. Lola
Patrick Mower …. Andre
Mario Parodi …. Masetto

Susanna Martinkova …. Michelle
Antonio Salines …. Pepe
Francesca Nunzi …. Wilma

Director

Tinto Brass

Report Card

Story – B
Acting – A-
Directing – A
Cinematography – A
Cast – A-
Erotic factor – A+
Entertainment factor – A

Conclusion

Lola is indeed frivolous and afew other adjectives ranging from adorable to bratty. Her self-centered thoughtless behavior is nothing short of tawdry. If there are women that behave so flippant, I wouldn’t want to be engaged to them. Yet, as a viewer there is something winsome about her frolicsome, lighthearted, even compelling behavior.

As with other Brass movies I have viewed a typical theme permeates Frivolous Lola. Nothing is shameful to her. She with the overactive libido was born to enjoy life and she resents anyone that wants to rein her in, while her man is supposed to go along with her indiscretions

Frivolous Lola is an exercise in exhibitionism. The movie seems to be a memorial to Lola’s or is it Anna Amirati’s shapely figure with voyeuristic peeks at her genitalia. The story seems incidental, it is merely a vehicle to attain the desired effect.

I do not mean to sound like this is bad. Contrary, it is good. I found the movie to be funny entertaining and stimulating – one of his best and one of the better erotica movies available.

The lovely Anna Amirati was uniformly naughty and loveable. Her body was adorable and her acting endearing. Supporting actors, Packtrick Mower and Mario Parodi did well too.

The film was shot in what appeared to be the Italian countryside. The sets and costumes were colorful and the cinematography was first rate. Rating 4.6 stars

November 12, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , . erotic, Humor, naked, review, sex, Softcore. 3 comments.

Erotica in the movie world – Tinto Brass’s Cheeky

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Cheeky, released in Europe by the name Trasgredire, is a good name for this farcical romp because there is a strong emphasis on cheeks. Women’s that is and not the facial kind.

The feature opens with our heroine(?), Carla (Yuliya Mayarchuk) briskly strolling though Hyde Park, observing amorous couples in various states of passion, (something I seem to miss on my jaunts through a park) when a stereo-typical flasher opens his trench coat and exhibits his faux penis to Carla. Was she shocked? Did she run? No, she smiled and lifted up her flimsy miniskirt and a flashed her beaver back at him. In a way it was funny as it was meant to be, but it gives you an idea about the inanity of the movie.

The Plot

Carla has moved from her home of Italy, for some undisclosed reason, to London. Her boyfriend Matteo (Jarno Berardi) is supposed to join her and she needs to find somewhere to live. She encounters a real estate agent named Moira (Francesca Nunzi) a lesbian who fancies her and provides a huge apartment for two pounds a month or something like that. In Italy, Matteo’s good friend tells him that women always fool around when they are away and gets him jealous.

The Story

Meanwhile, Moira is after Carla. They play around a little but Carla draws the line. She tells Moira she likes men. She likes cocks. Afterward she goes to a party with Moira and meets and has sex with Moira’s ex-husband. No, I didn’t get it either – a lesbian having a husband. For those into randy scenes this party was a gem, with the exposed bottoms of several women lined up on a couch and a couple other explicit genitalia shots. I do believe the all male shots were done with fake paraphernalia though.

Things aren’t going to well between Carla and Matteo. After discovering a photo of Carla laying in sand in the buff he flies all the way to London to confront her with the picture. She lays the story on him it was her old boyfriend, but Matteo discovers that she was seeing the other guy and him at the same time. He then demands if she has any other secrets and she tells him how she had sex with his friend.

Disgusted he leaves and takes a walk through the same Hyde Park in which the movie opened and he also sees amorous couples and passion. (gotta go to Hyde Park) Watching one amorous couple he discovers he isn’t the only voyeur. Another man is watching who informs Matteo that the woman is his wife. Matteo then seems to have an epiphany and goes back to Carla. He tells her it’s alright if she wants to cheat on him, as long as she’s open about it. The End.

I did have a problem with the last part but I didn’t watch the movie for the story. Let’s face it the story is incidental to the nudity and action.

Credited cast (partial):
Yuliya Mayarchuk …. Carla
Jarno Berardi …. Matteo
Francesca Nunzi …. Moira
Max Parodi …. Marion
Mauro Lorenz …. Bernard
Leila Carli …. Nina
Vittorio Attene …. Luca

Directed by …. Tinto Brass

Conclusion

It’s hard to give a bad or even average rating to a movie that you watched a second time. On reflection, it wasn’t very good. The story was lacking and the acting was lackluster yet it seemed redeemed somewhat in my eyes by it’s audacity and incredibly naughtiness.

Ultimately, it seemed like the movie was created to showcase and built around the perky, attractive Russian star – Yuliya Mayarchuk. Not a bad subject to build a softcore movie around. Yuliya is svelte yet shapely and looks great without her clothes. One of the highlights of the film for me was when Yuliya, Who has a strong resemblance to Reese Whitherspoon, performed a reverse strip tease.

Cheeky was the first Tinto Brass movie I’ve seen since I viewed the raunchy Caligula. It was dubbed in English but the European version Trasgredire, is in a foreign language with or without subtitles.

Tinto brass makes a couple cameo appearances in the movie. He may have even been the flasher in the beginning. The flasher was wearing a Groucho Marx style mask.

Like I said. It’s not a particularly good movie but there is something there that grabbed me. Rating 4 stars.

Note: If you buy or rent this movie, make sure you get the producers cut or the unrated version.

October 17, 2007. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . erotic, explicit, fantasies, Humor, naked, Nude, satire, sex, sexual intercourse. 3 comments.

A Movie Review 4 U � 9 Songs (An X Rated Review)

WARNING: This is an informative and irreverent review about an explicit unrated movie. If you are easily offended, please don’t read it. If you do, please don’t complain about it.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the initial edition of A Movie Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing the British movie billed as an explicit mainstream movie, 9 Songs, written, produced and directed by Michael Winterbottom”

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“With us, this fine Saturday morning, our regular panel members, the lovely, Bo Derek, who as movie stars go, has probably been filmed in the nude more than any other Hollywood actress. Hello Bo, I see we’re wearing clothes today.”

“Well, I am. I don’t know if I’d call your outfit, clothes, Jerry. Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready to show off my private tattoo yet.”

“And the gentleman to her left is of course, Mr. Macho, Bruce Willis, who also has an erotic scene or two to his credit. Bruce.”

“Good to be here, Jerry.”

“Bruce. What are you doing?”

“I’m just seeing if Bo will show me her tattoo. I’m a big fan of tattoos, especially private ones.”

“What are you doing Bo?”

“Bruce wants to see my tattoo. I’ve got a piercing too, but I can’t show you that, Brucie.”

“Really? Can you please show me? After the show, of course.”

“I don’t think so Jerry”

“Shucks! Last but not least are our two guest panel members, head of the Moral Majority, Rev. Jerry Falwell and Penthouse Magazine Publisher, Bob Guccione. Gentlemen, thanks for being with us this Saturday morning.”

“Good to be here, said Rev. Falwell.”

“Same here Jerry, but I’d like to say one thing to Ms Derek. I could provide a format for you to show the world your body art,” offered Mr. Guccione.

“Body art. You give that tripe a proper name? It’s defilement of God’s work!”

“Reverend, please calm down, we need to get on with the show.”

“I, of course, am you host, moderator and referee all rolled into one, Jerry Springer.”

“Our show will follow the system of our sister show, A Book Review 4 U. We’ll start with a comment from our resident Epinionator, Mr. D and then we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel.

“We now have Mr. D on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D. I hope it‘s not too early for you back in Arizona, after all it is six o’clock there isn‘t it?”

“Not an issue. I do most of my writing early in the morning.”

“I’m sorry. If I may get right to the point, what did you think of this movie, 9 Songs.

“I’ve read a few reviews on 9 songs and one thing they all seem to agree upon is that the movie has no story. I can’t disagree with them. There isn’t much of a story, but if you pay attention you do arrive at some interesting conclusions.”

“The plot of the movie can be boiled down to this, boy and girl meet at a, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, rock concert and go to his apt and f*ck. Another concert and another roll in the hay. With some small exceptions this is the modus operandi for nine concerts.”

“Matt is a scientist, a glaciologist and Lisa is a visiting American college student. Matt tried to keep up with Lisa, but I got the impression that he was overmatched, with Lisa, whom I thought was an excitement junkie. She was also more into experimentation. At one point, Matt went home by himself as she stayed with a woman.”

“I couldn’t figure out why the sex scenes seemed so well done – almost real. Then, as the movie progressed it became obvious. The bathtub scene with Matt and Lisa, the only actors in the movie, gave me the first clue. With Matt (Kieran O’Brien) leaning back on one side of the tub and Lisa (Margo Stilley) on the other, she uses her feet to massage his erect penis in full view of the viewers. That was about halfway through the movie and was only the beginning. Each sex scene thereafter, became increasing more explicit.”

“After about three months of steady rock concerts and sex, Lisa told Matt that she will soon be going back to America. Matt was crushed, so that afternoon Lisa cheered him up by … how can I say this? Blowing him! The viewer gets to see the whole shebang, just like a porn movie. She sucks on him for about thirty seconds and then the camera cuts away to a long view of Matt, ejaculating upon his abdomen.”

“On the day she is scheduled to leave, the spectator is presented a vision of the couple having intercourse including clear view of phallic penetration.”

“Speaking of the rock concerts, rock music fans, especially fans of British bands may be interested in the bands of the various concerts. I managed to dig seven of them out – they are:”

• Super Furry Animals
• The Dandy Warhols
• Franz Ferdinand
• Elbow
• Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
• The Von Bondies
• Primal Scream

Conclusion

“What one might get out of this movie depends upon what one’s expectations are. No, it doesn’t have much of a story, but I thought the overall product was entertaining and very watchable. The movie was realistic in everyway (not just the sex) and earthy. The acting by the two actors was really something to behold and so was the cinematography.”

“It should be pointed out that the writer, producer, director of 9 Songs, felt there was a double standard regarding reading material vs film. He thought, since many erotic and even mainstream books are extremely graphic, why can’t mainstream movies also depict graphic sex. In comparison to the present day trend of filthy degrading pornographic films, 9 songs must seem extremely tame. Still, it is a big leap forward in sexuality from the average boring, poorly done soft-core movie. Therefore, I’m going against the grain, Jerry, and giving the movie 5 stars.”

“Thank you for your insight Mr. Daumco. Now it’s time to get our panels opinion.”

“Let’s start with you Bruce, but before you start, I want you to consider a couple questions? Do you think it is proper to ask an actor to have sex on the screen and as an actor, would you have considered, such a part?”

“Bruce.”

“That’s a hell of a question, Jerry. I didn’t think you were that thoughtful. Let me talk about the film then I’ll go back to your question.”

“I thought, the film pioneered new ground. I don’t know if we’ll see more movies like that in the future but it certainly set the groundwork for them. I give the movie 4 stars.”

“As for your question. I’m sure, when you are first getting started you may be required to do parts that you could reject once you are established.”

“Fine, but what about you and is it appropriate?”

“I didn’t mention it but I interposed myself into your hypothetical equation. As for appropriate? If it’s in the script, it’s appropriate.”

“Very good. Bo. Bo! What are you doing?”

“I’m showing Reverend Falwell my body art.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t show anyone your piercing?”

“The Reverend said it’s okay to show him because he’s a holy man. Right Reverend?”

“Well, oomph. I didn’t quite say it that way. I said people think I’m a dweeb but their wrong. I’m wholly a man.”

“Okay, Sweetheart hurry up and put your clothes back on, before we get fined.”

“That’s alright Jerry, If you get fined. Penthouse will be glad to pay it. Ms Derek, I still want to talk about appearing in my mag –”

“That’s all right. I need to get Bo’s opinion of 9 songs. Bo did you hear my question to Bruce.”

“I think so.”

“And”

“Well, I liked the movie. It’s realistic. F*cking is what people do. I’d like to see more movies like that and I wouldn’t mind appearing in one myself. It would be my crowning achievement. I give the movie 5 stars.”

“Alright, Moving on. Reverend?”

“As you should know. There is no place in our society for dreck like this misbegotten movie and I certainly wouldn’t perform in a movie like that! 1 star.”

“I don’t think Jerry was asking you if you would screw on film reverend. Fat people don’t film too well naked.”

“I’ll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself, Mr. Smut peddler.”

“That’s okay Mr. Shyster. I’ll bet if I got Bo here to show her body art in Penthouse, you’d be the first in line for a co –”

“Bob, please. We may disagree but let’s do it with civility. Now what did you think of 9 Songs?”

“I loved it. It brought back memories of my randy movie Caligula.”

“Randy is right. That was pure pornograp –”

“Aw, so you’ve seen it. What other sex movies have you seen Reverend? How big a collection do you have. Huh?”

“Gentlemen please. We’re almost out of time. What is your rating, Bob?”

“5 stars”

“Thank you, Bob. That averages out to 4 stars.”

“So there you have it, 9 songs by Michael Winterbottom. Buy it!”

“That’s it for now. Join us next week when our guest reviewers will be Paris Hilton and General Tommie Franks.”

“Yes, Bob?”

“I just wanted to mention to Ms Derek that I may have the vehicle to her crowning achievement, since I would make a sequel to Caligula if she would star in it.”

“Now that’s an interesting proposition.”

“I’ll bet you get all kinds of propositions. Talk about it after the show. What are you doing?”

“Showing Bob my body art.”

“Until next week this is Jerry Springer slugging … I mean signing off. Have a great day!”

Author’s note: As you probably suspected this reviiew was written before the unfortunate and untimely death of the Reverend Falwell. No offense was intended and I hope none was taken.

August 8, 2007. body art, Books, erotic, explicit, five stars, four, Hollywood, Humor, intercourse, Jerry Springer, naked, Nude, President Bush, rock concert, satire, sex, sex scene, stars, sucks, tattoos, Uncategorized. 1 comment.

A Book Review 4 U – The Journal of Mortifying Moments

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another edition of A Book Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing a book by Robyn Harding intriguingly called The Journal of Mortifying Moments, which apparently is her initial book.

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“With us, this fine Saturday morning, our usual panel members ET and Pamela Anderson. ET of course is our resident Science Fiction expert and Pamela doesn’t know all that much about books, but she sure is nice to look at, right ET. Gimme three! That a boy! The gentleman to his left is, of course, ET’s long time interpreter Hailey Comet, and last but not least is our two guest panel members, Presidential Advisor, Karl Rogu . . . ah, er, excuse me, Karl Rove and controversial Comedian Chris Rock. Sorry about the slip Karl. Yes Chris.”

“What yo mean controversial? Ain’t nobody more controversial than you!”

“Well, I supposed you do have a point there Chris. I, of course, I am your host, if you don’t recognize me, my name is William Jefferson Clinton. I used to work for the government, but now I’ve have a real job and I’m loving it.”

“As usual, I’ll give a brief summary of the book, giving everybody a feeling for the book and then we’ll have a comment from our resident opinionator, Mr. D and then we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel. Sorry ET but this one isn’t your favorite, Science Fiction, but it is a good book, isn’t it? What? Again? You haven‘t read it yet, but you‘ll read it on the commercial break. I wish you wouldn’t do that. You make everybody envious, including the lovely lady sitting next to you.”

“Oh don’t worry about it Billy-boy. I realize he has some amazing attributes but I have some attributes too.”

“Pamela?”

“Yes Chris?”

“I just want you to know that I think your attributes are pretty amazing. Can I see them.”

“Pamela. Stop that!”

“Why, Billy-boy? I did it on The Howard Stern Show.”

“Pamela. Do you see those cameras out there? This is television. That was radio.”

“I know Billy-boy but I want to contribute for a change.”

“I want you to contribute too, but not to a big FCC fine. You can contribute after the show. “Okay, let’s move on. Here’s a brief summary of the book.”

Kerry Spence is in a chronic dead end relationship with her dreamboat of a boyfriend Sam Miller. She also works in an ad agency where she can’t stand ninety percent of her co-workers and vice-versa. She also seems to be on a different page than her mother, who always seems to be putting her down adding to her already low self-esteem.

The only bright spot in otherwise her bleak existence is the friendship and loyalty of her good friends Sandra, Val and Michelle and a friendship with a gay coworker Trevor. Unfortunately her friends are also borderline neurotic and don’t seem to be helpful.

So, what do you do when you feel outclassed by your boyfriend, disparaged by your mother and can’t stand your job? Why, go to a therapist of course. What did the therapist come up with? She asked Kerry to write a journal of her most humiliating experiences. At first she thinks this is a inane project but as she continues to write her most embarrassing moments, which all happen to involve men, in her Journal of Mortifying Moments, she begins to come to some realizations.

“We now have Mr. D on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D. I hope it‘s not too early for you back in Arizona, after all it is six o’clock there isn‘t it?”

“No Problem. The coyotes kept me up, howling all night”

“I’m sorry. If I may get right to the point, what did you think of this weeks book, The Journal of Mortifying Moments?”

“Well Bill, for typical, so called chick lit, I thought the good outweighed the bad. The author Robyn Harding displays a jocularity and sense of irony. Some of the scenarios and that’s what the book is – a series of scenarios – were clever and well portrayed, but the humor in all cases was at the expense of the heroine, who by the way, I never got a sense of. To my knowledge the author never really described Kerry other than she herself felt she had a large and expanding butt.”

The fact that the heroine was depicted in such an unflattering light was a problem for me. She seemed to be so vulnerable and incompetent, it even seems odd to call her a heroine. Protagonist is probably more apt. When I think of Kerry the word buffoon comes to mind, like she was playing a straight man, or lady in this case, to fate.”

The author’s overall character development was adequate but just barely. Some characters more than others. I had a good feel for Trevor, who was pretty good by the way and Sandra and Kerry’s mom, but Val and Michelle were strangers except Michelle was logical and business like.”

Harding’s writing style is well paced, uses dialogue effectively and has a reader friendly prose style. She doesn‘t waste words, her writing is direct, she doesn‘t meander off in other directions and she‘s smooth. This book is 308 pages, when 500 plus is the apparent norm. Despite the fact that some of the scenes and scenarios, seemed contrived, The Journal of Mortifying Moments, as a whole, holds up well. Especially for a debut.”

“Great, thanks again Mr. D for your insights. How’s that book of yours coming along?”

“We’re finished and in for printing. Thanks for asking, Bill”

“You’re welcome, good luck. So what do you rate this book?”
“Sorry Bill, I giving The Journal of Mortifying Moments – Three and a half stars!”

“Excellent. We‘ll take a break now and when we come back we‘ll hear what our panel has to say.”

****

“OK Panel, we’re back live now. Let’s talk about The Journal of Mortifying Moments.”

“Yes Pamela.”

“I loved it. I thought it was humorous, droll and clever. And ah . . . oh yeah succinct and I loved the mortifying moments. Like when she was twelve and the shy boy she had a crush on, told how many times a day he touched himself, rather than take Kerry behind a bush and kiss her. I give it 4 1/2 stars.”

“Hmmmm, ok ET how did you see it”

“Mr ET thought it was good, but he would like to have seen the sex scenes be more explicit and for it to take place in space. He still gives it four stars”

“I see, explicit sex scenes huh, I thought you guys were unisex, oh well Karl what did you think? Karl, hello Karl!”

“Sorry Bill, I was just noticing a little bump on Pamela‘s . . . never mind. What did you ask me again?”

“What we‘re here for, your evaluation of The Journal of Mortifying Moments.”

“Certainly. Ahhem. I thought the book, while cleverly written, set a poor example to the young women of this great nation. It extolls promiscuous behavior and wanton sex, even in unromantic situations. I’m no prude, mind you, but Sandra deciding to have the baby of her sixty-five year old married boyfriend was over the top. Not to mention that some of Kerry’s mortifying moments were licentious and demeaning. Take the one where she ties up her boyfriend d’ jour to the bedposts with the use of scarves only to start a fire from a plethora of burning candles, some of which were set in a pentagram for God’s sake.”

“Karl!”

“Yes, yes, sorry I digressed. I think the book is well written but the subject matter is vulgar and our people should stay away from it. Two stars, I give it two stars.”

“Thank you Karl. Chris. How about you?”

“A pentagram huh? Wow! Where did you see that? You know, Bill, I liked the book, but are white chicks really that screwed up? I mean, man they’s worse than black chicks, playing games, not answering the phone, trying to guess what her man’s thinking. Seems like she coulda saved herself a whole lot of trouble. Just spit it out girl and stop acting so . . . silly!”

“Man that Kerry chick’s got some serious hang-ups and some of those so called mortifying moments like when one of her fiance wants her to join in a foursome. Hey. You gotta chill out girl. Go with the flow. That shouldn’t be mortifying. It should be stimulating.”

“I agree with Mr. D – 3 1/2 stars.”

“Thanks Chris. So there you have it, The Journal of Mortifying Moments by Robyn Harding. Buy it!”

“That’s it for now. Join us next week when our guest reviewers will be Paris Hilton and Governor Schwarten . . . Schwartze . . . the Governor of California.”

“Until next week this is Willie-boy Clinton signing off. Have a great day!”

August 3, 2007. Bill Clinton, Books, Humor, relationship, review, satire, therapist. 2 comments.

Do You Feel Safer?

The Bottom Line I say Bush has made us less safe by morphing young Muslim hot heads into terrorists. What do you think?
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The big discussion these days, just prior to the midterm election seems to be whether we are safer or less safe than we were after 9/11.

I’m confused about that myself so I’ve decided to take a poll.

Here are a dozen multiple choice questions to show what we think..

President Bush’s pre-emptive war on Iraq has made –
a. U.S. citizens safer
b. Iraqi citizens safer
c. American servicemen safer
d. Osama bin Laden safer

President Bush and Republican claim that the Democrats don’t have the stomach to fight terrorism. Is that –
a. A known known
b. A known unknown
c. An unknown known
d. Partisan bullsh*t

The Democratic response to this is that President Bush and his advisors don’t have the brains to fight terrorism. Is that –
a. Partisan bullsh*t
b. A chip off the ole block
c. Hard work
d. A known known

Weapons of mass destruction were not found in Iraq because –
a. They’re there – buried in the desert
b. The Iraqi people were so hungry, they ate them
c. The intelligence was taken out of a comic book.
d. They was fooled

The intelligence used to justify the war was flawed because –
a. Clinton didn’t do enough to catch Osama bin Laden
b. Richard Clarke was a traitor
c. Saddam Hussein started a disinformation campaign
d. They picked only the intelligence backed their position.

The real reason the Bush cabal pushed for war in Iraq was –
a. Although they couldn’t prove it, they knew Hussein was behind 9/11
b. Rumsfeld was real good at playing Risk. Monopoly too! (but not sorry)
c. Cheney decided that he missed something in the Viet Nam experience after all.
d. The butt of jokes in West Texas for years, Bush wanted to show everybody he could really find oil.

If you had an emergency, like your house was about to flood from a hurricane or something. You would call –
a. George W. Bush
b. The Ghostbusters
c. Osama bin Laden
d. Your insurance agent

Democrats and some Republicans say the administration fixed the intelligence to make the case for war. You think.
a. It’s partisan bullsh*t
b. The end justifies the means
c. Democrats can’t take a joke
d. We should impeach the bastard

Six Generals who had served in Iraq, recently said Rumsfeld has mismanaged the war and should go. You think
a. Everybody is entitled to a booboo or fifty (look at the President)
b. Rummy is no dummy. He just acts like it
c. He gives the most interesting press conferences since Baghdad Bob
d. Put him in charge of security for Darth Cheney.

President Bush keeps saying we are fighting the terrorists in Iraq so we don’t have to fight them here. You think.
a. No attacks in five years – good job George.
b. The big ones take time
c. Can’t you just picture George decapitating a terrorist with his golf club.
d. At the rate we’re going we won’t have an army to fight them over there.

The Bush administration has recently been accused of portraying a rosier picture in Iraq than the reality. You think.
a. The Iraqis are cry babies
b. Wouldn’t you
c. I like roses
d. Saddam is looking better and better

President Bush, Vice Pres, Cheney and Sec of State Rice have all said, Knowing what they know now they would still attack Iraq. You think.
a. I told you they were tough.
b. They’re all nuttier than a fruitcake
c. Has there ever been a military coup in the U.S.?
d. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

Okay. That completes the poll. Total up your answers allowing one point for an a. answer, two for b., three for c and four for d, total up you answers and look below for the results.

Twelve to fifteen points – You are a true believer. Report for duty in Iraq immediately for adventure Bush style.

Sixteen to twenty-six points – You are an independent person but not too bright and not too safe.

Twenty-seven to thirty-eight points – You are not too bright. Have you thought of running for President.

Thirty-nine points to forty-eight points – You didn’t vote for Bush. Did you?

July 27, 2007. attack, Baghdad, Bill Clinton, Books, cakewalk, Cheney, dishonest, ethics, explosions, George W. Bush, Humor, Iraq, lies, politics, President Bush, Rumsfeld, satire, slam dunk, Terrorism. 1 comment.

Whopper

George Whopper Bush,

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The forty-third President of the United States is George W. Bush. Many citizens think the middle initial stands for Walker after his maternal Grandfather, as in George Walker Bush. However, I postulate that another middle name fits reality better. In my opinion W. really stands for Whopper as in George Whopper Bush. Whopper as I shall call him from here out has spun some dandies. Perhaps you are not aware of this, preferring to believe Whopper instead of your lying ears and eyes. If so, I have some gold mine stock I’d like to unl…er discuss with you.
I have taken the time to edify you to some of the Whopprisms we all have been subjected to, yet you may not be aware of.
Since the buck stops in the Oval office, I have included some of the blatant Whoppers that have been foisted upon us by his so-called advisors.

George Whopper Bush top forty-three Whoppers. (In no particular order)

1. We’ll get Osama bin Laden, dead or alive.
2. Iraq is the center in the War on Terror.
3. Brownie. You’re doing a hell of a job.
4. We’re fighting them there so we don’t have to fight them here.
5. Oil revenues will pay for the Iraqi war
6. Mission accomplished.
7. I’m not into nation building.
8. We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.
9. Saddam Hussein tried to obtain uranium from Niger.
10. Aluminum tubes the Iraqis have obtained can only be used for nuclear centrifuges.
11. You go to war with the army you have, not the one you’d like to have.
12. Muhammad Atta met an Iraqi intelligence agent in Prague
13. Iraq is known to have weapons of mass destruction.
14. We will be greeted in Iraq as liberators.
15. The damage that Katrina inflicted on New Orleans was unexpected.
16. We went into Iraq to build a democracy in the Middle East
17. Islam is a peaceful religion.
18. Saddam Hussein was involved in 9/11
19. Iraq was a sponsor of Terror.
20. Abu Musab Zarqawri was an agent of Al Qaeda (not at first)
21. Iraq is a terrorist haven (now it is.)
22. We’re not facing an insurgency.
23. A few dead enders.
24. We give our military all the troops they ask for.
25. Things are not as bad in Iraq as they appear (one of those lying eyes things)
26. Today marks the end of hostilities. (over three years ago)
27. We have a plan.
28. Osama bin Laden is now insignificant.
29. We will stand down when they stand up.
30. The insurgency is in its last throes.
31. The insurgency should slow down now that Iraq has a freely elected government.
32. The insurgency should slow down now that they have a constitution.
33. The insurgency should slow down now that they have an interim government.
34. The insurgency should slow down now that Zarqawri is dead.
35. The insurgency should slow down now that Hussein is in custody.
36. Over 200,000 Iraqi troops are now trained.
37. There is no civil war in Iraq.
38. We should be out of Iraq in six months.
39. We went with the best intelligence we had. (should’ve said we could pick)
40. Congress had the same information we had.
41. We gave the UN all the time we could.
42. The war in Iraq did not distract us from the war on Terror.
43. We didn ‘t start planning the invasion of Iraq until after 9/11.
Bonus Lie: I finished my tour with the Air National Guard.
Extra Big Lie: I would still go into Iraq, knowing what I know now.

Wow, all them Whoppers, sure made me hungry. I think I’ll go to Burger King.

July 26, 2007. attack, Baghdad, cakewalk, Cheney, Civil War, dishonest, ethics, explosions, George W. Bush, Humor, Iraq, liberators, lies, politics, President, President Bush, primary, Psychiatry, Rumsfeld, slam dunk. 1 comment.

A Book Review for U – The Secret Man

As I stated in my initial posting, I wrote numerous reviews and as I intimated, to break the monotony and to the chagrin of some administrators, I would occasionally write a farcical review. This is such a review, based on the fictional A Book Review for U show. Here is one of my favorites from that show. Enjoy.

THE SECRET MAN by Bob Woodward

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to a special edition of Book Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing the new book by Bob Woodward entitled The Secret Man. Woodward, you may recall, along with Carl Bernstein, both reporters for the Washington Post, helped lead the expose of the Watergate scandal and associated misdeeds, which startled many readers with their revealing and concise reporting during those trying times. This duo collaborated on many best selling books of this period including the best selling All the Presidents Men which, you may recall was later made into a movie. I’m sure you all remember that Woodward was assisted in these endeavors by inside information from an inscrutable source. This mysterious individual was eventually given the nickname Deep Throat. The identity of Deep Throat, which has been widely speculated upon for years, was recently revealed in a Vanity Fair article last month as former FBI second in command Mark Felt and the book The Secret Man, which was rushed to the press shortly after, confirms Felt’s identity as Deep Throat.

“With us this fine Saturday morning is our usual panel members ET and Pamela Anderson. ET of course is our resident Science Fiction expert and Pamela doesn’t know that much about books but she sure is nice to look at, right ET. Gimme three! That a boy! The gentleman in the middle is of course ET’s long time interpreter Hailey Comet and last but not least is our two guest panel members, Film Actress, Lind Lovelace, who of course was known for her starring role in the pornographic movie Deep Throat and is sometimes referred to as Deep Throat herself and another lady who some consider an expert on deep throat affairs, Monica Lewinski. So good to see you again Monica. Have you been behaving yourself lately?”

“So good to see you again too Bill. You know I have a penchant for powerful men but I am working on it. I’m presently attending weekly meeting at Sex Addicts anonymous. In disguise of course.”

“Well Monica, you just blew it there, er, your identity I mean. You are after all on TV. Well just remember to get your dresses cleaned.

“I of course I am your host, If you don’t recognize me, my name is William Jefferson Clinton. I used to work for the government and I know something about scandals.

“As usual I’ll read the fly leaf of the book, giving everybody a feeling for the book and then we’ll have a usual comment from our resident Epinionator Mr. Daumco. After that we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel. Sorry ET but this one isn’t your favorite, Science Fiction either, but it is a good book, isn’t it?

“What’s that. You haven‘t read it yet but you‘ll read it on the commercial break. Hailey, why does he keep doing that? Never mind.”

“Well, Bill. I want you to know that I read it and it only took me four days. It is a short book you know? Only two hundred twenty pages.”

“Good for you Pam. I knew I could count on you. Now straighten up. That‘s it, now throw your shoulders back. Ahhh, I love it when you wear those low cut tops.”

“Here is what the dust jacket says, in part”

“In Washington DC, where little stays secret for long, the identity of Deep Throat – the mysterious source who helped Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein break open the Watergate scandal in 1972 – remained hidden for 33 years. Now Woodward tells the story of his long complex relationship with W. Mark Felt, the enigmatic former No 2 man in the Federal Bureau of Investigation who helped end the presidency of Richard Nixon.”

“The Secret Man chronicles the story in intimate detail, from Woodward‘s first, chance encounter with Felt in the Nixon White House, to there covert middle-of-the-night meeting in an underground parking garage, to the aftermath of Watergate and decades beyond, until Felt finally step[ped forward at the age of 91 to unmask himself as Deep Throat.”

“The Secret Man reveals the struggles of a patriotic career FBI man, an admirer of J. Edgar Hoover, the Bureau‘s legendary director. After Hoovers death, Mark Felt found himself in the crossfire of one of Washington‘s historic contests as Nixon and and his men tried to dominate the Bureau and cover up the crime of the administration.”

“The fly jacket is rather verbose, so we‘re going to leave it there and join Mr. Daumco on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D, I hope everything is fine for you back in Arizona.”

“Thank you Bill. As the saying goes everything is ’Peaches’. It’s still quite early here, the sun just came up, so it’s fairly nice out right now. You know, In Phoenix we have no earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes, tsunamis or snow but we sure do have HEAT. Speaking of heat, I‘m really impressed with your guests today. I’ll bet they can generate some heat of their own and Pam, I love your top today, if that‘s what it is. Didn‘t you wear that on the Howard Stern show?”

“Why Mr. D what a great memory you have. Yes I did wear it for awhile. I’m impressed you remember.”

“Ok Mr. D, we need to move along. What is your analysis of Deep Throat”

“Which one?”

“The book, The Secret Man by Bob Woodward.”

“Yes of course, sorry. Actually Bill. I’m glad you stopped reading the fly jacket because you would have given most of the book away if you had kept reading. To say that The Secret Man is laconic is like saying Phoenix is somewhat warm. For one of the biggest secrets of our times, Woodward had surprisingly little to say. The book is short! Short on information. Short on revelations. Short on words (about 40,00 I‘d guess). Short on interest. Short, Short, Short. That‘s not to say the book is totally without merit. Woodward continues to write in his ‘aw shucks‘, ‘down home’ style of writing and he does manage to give Deep Throat a face. A face of a kindly old befuddled gentleman now and the proud, confident, mildly ruthless, extremely secretive informer of the seventies.”

“Much to the authors chagrin he was unable to ascertain Felt‘s true motive‘s behind his secretive revelations before his dementia and we are subjected to his rehashing of all that has been said by his contemporaries in the past. However, we do get to see a side of Woodard that I had never suspected. That of a pushy, prodding, sometimes demanding but not ungrateful recipient of Felt’s largess. As Woodward recites the events, it seems that Felt, whatever his motives, be it personal, or resentment of the Nixon team for compromising his beloved FBI, was recalcitrant and events would not have moved forward, without Woodward’s persistence. This ultimately led to a split of these unlikely friends where Felt wouldn‘t take Woodward‘s calls and they did not talk for a period of some twenty years.”

“My feeling is that although Woodward had his book ready to go in draft form, he was taken by surprise by the sudden surprise announcement from Felt’s family and was rushed to come up with the finished manuscript. As short as the book is, it seems it was stretched by repeating things in the last third of the book. I found this repetition annoying. In summary I found the book mildly amusing and I‘m glad I read it, if for nothing else, to get a feeling for the man they called Deep Throat. Was he a hero or a traitor? My sense is that Nixon and his gang were out of control and Ship of State was dangerously listing and Felt with some help from Woodward and Bernstein were to only ones bailing the water at first. Yeah he was a hero. Wish we had some of his ilk today. He wasn’t obsequious. Nor was he a sycophant. He would have never said ‘Mr. President, it’s a slam dunk’.”

“I have mixed feelings about the book. I feel like the book was rushed for obvious reasons. The story, what there is of if is compelling but seems incomplete. I give it a rating of 3.2 Stars.”

“Great! Well thanks once again for your input Mr. D. When we return we’ll get a new viewpoint from our panel.”

_______________________________

“Welcome back folks. Now it‘s time to get our panel‘s opinion of The Secret Man. As Usual we start with ET. Hailey, What does ET think about our book.”

“Yes Pamela”

“Yes, I thought the book was a little short on specifics and tended to be redundant in order to appear to be more substantial than it was. Other than that I thought it was an average read despite that Deep Throat was my hero.”

“Thank you Pamela. That was very insightful, for you. Anybody else? Yes Monica.”

“I thought the book was wonderful. I‘ll admit I hadn‘t personally heard of Mark Felt but I was impressed. He was obviously a man of integrity, a virile, powerful man who almost single handedly brought down a President. I wish I had known him when he was young, at his peak.. I would have helped him bring the President down.”

“Thank you Monica. I‘m sure you could have been a big help to Deep Throat in bringing down the President. I think you‘ve had some experience along those lines. ET, Do you have anything to say? ET? Linda what are you doing to him?”

“Chill out Bill. He‘s cute. I used to have a teddy bear like him. Don‘t worry, he just put his finger by my mouth and pushed it in then out and so forth. He seems to like that. He‘s harmless.”

“I hate to tell you Linda but that‘s not his finger.”

“Oh?”

“So What does ET think about Deep Throat, Hailey?”

“ET says he thinks she‘s the real McCoy. Is that how you say it?”

“I don‘t suppose he has any comments about The Secret Man, the book about the other Deep Throat?”

“ET can‘t really talk right now, but I can tell you that he doesn‘t understand human politics and he‘s very happy you invited Linda here today.”

“Monica what are you doing”

“Linda said it tastes good and I was just checking it out.”

Pamela does a double take and says, “Really, it tastes good?”

“Well I want to thank the TV audience for viewing our show. We‘re going to have to leave it there for now.”

“Pamela, What are you doing?”

“Tastes like chocolate, Bill”

“No it doesn‘t, it tastes like strawberries”

“I thought it tasted minty”

“Goodbye and don‘t forget to join us next week”

July 15, 2007. Bill Clinton, Bob Woodward, Books, Deep Throat, Humor, Linda Lovelace, Mark Felt, Pam Anderson, review, satire, Secret Man, Watergate. 1 comment.

Hello world!

My given name is not common knowledge, but I write fiction under the name D.E. or Dee Dawning. Before I began writing books I wrote other things. I wrote reviews, opinions and when things got a little onerous, I wrote humor. I suppose, I still write humor in some of my stories. Over the last few years I have written several things that I would like to share with you. Some humorous and some serious. I call my blog Silly Things and there will indeed be articles and reviews that I hope you will find, if not outright funny, you will at least find clever. But, I am an opinionated person, so expect doses of serious monologue.

Some of my ramblings will be a rant but more often they will be satirical. Some will be tongue in cheek book or music reviews. I hope you enjoy my scribblings and hope to hear from you. Remember, hearing from you gives me the incentive to post more scribblings.

For my first posting I am going to post a letter to the decider from a concerned fictitious supporter.

mission_accomplished.jpg

An Open Letter to President Bush

Dear President Bush, I know that you don’t take kindly to criticism but I think you might have made a teensy weensy mistake when you invaded Iraq. I hate to admit it but it even looks like the French may have been right for once. I know that you and Dick, being former oil men, had our best interests at heart, when you went after that Golden Goose—Oil. You even thought that the oil would pay for our aggression. At least that’s what Rumsfield said. Come to think of it so did Wolfowitz, but I’m afraid your little war only made oil scarcer and now I can’t afford to go no place. It’s too bad Dick wasn’t right when he said the Iraqis were going to throw flowers at us as liberators. He must have been thinking of them newsreels they used to show in the theaters at the end of World War II. Course then we really were liberators. It’s too bad you were wrong when you declared an end to hostilities four years ago, I feel real bad for them fine American boys that ain’t comin back. It’s too bad you were wrong when you told the Reverend Pat Robertson that there weren’t going to be any casualties in Iraq. Funny how so many people keep sayin that there weren’t no terrorists there before we got there. Imagine that?

Another thing is I’m real sorry that WMD thing didn’t pan out for you the way you wanted. They surely had us fooled, didn’t they? Maybe that’ll teach em not to fool us anymore. I hear Iran and North Korea have WMD too. Do you think they is trying to fool us too? I guess they was too strong for us to attack them, seeing as how much trouble we are having with them terrorists in Iraq. I was sure glad to hear the Vice President tell us how the insurgency is in the last throes. It’s good to hear the straight scoop instead of what the papers and TV is always telling us. You’d think they was Al Jezeera or something the way they is always showing our boys getting blown up or something. By the way, Mr. President I really don’t understand why you kept that Mr. Rumsfield around for so long. He seemed to make more mistakes than you. I hear tell he wanted to go into Iraq with only sixty thousand troops. Even I know better than that. Even with the troop strength we got it seems like we got just enough to go in and rout the terrorists in a town by not enough to stay there and occupy it so they don’t come back. Howevr, I understand that if you have more troops there it’s just more targets for the terrorists and it makes the people more unhappy. Of course if we had even less troops there would be even less targets. It seems like the Iraqis and all the Muslims for that matter don’t understand the good you are doing there. What I don’t understand is why you don’t tell them. All them bad clerics is stirring up the young hot heads and we don’t say nutin to em. That’s bad PR. Sorry but it is. I call a spade a spade. It also seems that we don’t send more troops there cause there ain’t no more troops to send. Can’t figure out why that’s the case when your daddy had four times as many troops for Desert Storm. Boy did he kick @ss, huh? Is it true that he says that he didn’t go all the way to Baghdad because it was a powder keg and it might start a civil war and he didn’t want our military to get bogged down there? Well I guess you showed your daddy up, right? We ain’t bogged down and in four years there ain’t no civil war, only civil strife, but it sure is costing a lot of money. I hear half a trillion dollars. I ain’t so good with math but someone told me that’s over two thousand dollars per American or ten thousand per average household. If’n I had that money I could afford gas to go somewhere.

Anyway, it sure is a shame how your second idea isn’t working out either, you know the Democracy thing. I guess them Shia’s are bound and determined to have an Islamic State, you know like that other Axis of Evil, Iran, where the women all dress like nuns. They must be really religious, huh? I hear they’re making trouble for us in Iraq too and so is Syria. You really need to work on your PR with these people. Be less threatening and more flexible. That’s probably why North Korea is so afraid of you, You name them and the two Iras as “Axis of Evil” and then you attack Iraq. Kim Jung Il must be waiting for the other shoe to drop. You must know him pretty good because your always talking about him like you’re on a first name basis. Why else would you disrespect him by not using his title. So since you know him so good, what would happen if you said Kim, or Jung, or Il, whichever is his first name, hey Kim, I’ve got an idea. Your country is in dreadful shape with crop failures and all kinds of bad things and you’re worried that I covet your country. However, you know that I’m a Christian—I’m not supposed to covet another man’s country. Yet, you do need help and our country is bountiful, despite some teeny weensy mistakes I have made, so I’m in a position to help. You know, you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.

Now you’re building WMD. Bombs right? That worries us. Plus you have a million man army, which makes me jealous. Wait, I didn’t say that. I don’t covet your army. I would just like to borrow a half million or so of them. I could really make it worth your while. You see a couple years ago I made an error in judgment, you know a pottery thing, oh never mind, anyway I kinda got us into a war. It seemed easy enough at first but no matter what we tried it only got worse. You know, that 2 ½ thing, typical Government project where it costs twice as much as it was supposed too and takes twice as long as it was supposed to and accomplishes half of what it was supposed to. Only this war is worse. It is costing ten times what is was supposed to and ten times as long and has accomplished nothing, so I could really use your help. Here’s what I can do. You join my coalition of the willing and send five hundred, no make that seven hundred thousand troops to Iraq and I will guaranty the safety of North Korea, buy two nuclear weapons from you a year, pay your troops for you, give you fifty billion dollars a year foreign aid, give you your choice of my daughters for marriage and put your country in the Axis of Good.

You see Mr. President a little PR could go a long way toward extricating you from this messy situation.

Your faithful servant, Humpty Dumpty

July 14, 2007. Humor, Iraq, President Bush, satire, war. 1 comment.

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