WHAT’S NEW WITH DEE
Hi everyone, Lot’s of good things in the writing world have been happening to me lately, so I thought I’d bring you up to date.
For starters, my erotic/romance thriller, LEGS is scheduled to be re-released on May 15th by my main publisher, eXtasy Books. It was previously released by Amira Press but was returned to me in November. While released, it had garnered several outstanding reviews, including a five fallen angel recommended read from Fallen Angel Reviews.
Look for excerpts from LEGS shortly.
This is a MOCK COVER
Next, my latest novel, Love and Seduction in Las Vegas, is scheduled to be released in August from my newest publisher, Bookstrand Inc..
LSLV as I call it for short is a sexy story about an older woman who takes a shy reticent young man and teaches him the art of seduction. I guarantee you’ll love the ending of this short by epic tale.
following LSLV by a month, the novelette By the Book and a teaser called Gizmo also from Bookstrand.
Somewhere in this mix eXtasy will release another teaser on it’s fantasy games line called, Fantasy Football.
I’ll be posting blurbs and excerpts from all these works in the next few weeks so watch for these sneak previews.
Last I’d like to talk about the contest that’s been going on during the week of April, where thirty authors are each giving away a prize. That’s thirty prizes folks. I’m giving away a Cd single of the very beautiful song by Mother Earth
and a download of my hot, feisty novelette, Forbidden Passion.
My contest question is from my latest, book Getting Naked at the Hilton, so if you read the book you may know it. It is: What is the song Chloe had to learn for their demo and what artist made it originally?
But don’t worry. if you want to enter this contest, the answer is also located on my myspace page:
www.myspace.com/dedawning
It’s song #nine on the musical playlist and though the the playlist seems to be inactive right now, you’ll find the song and the answer tucked in between Classical Gas and The Wizard
Look for this banner to locate the playlist.
The Odyssey in Reading Contest rules and a list of all prizes are posted on our website at:
http://msa.literalseduction.net
Join and you could win one of dozens of prizes.
A BOOK REVIEW 4 U – SMOKE SCREEN by Kyle Mills
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another edition of Book Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing a book by Kyle Mills called Smoke Screen. Mills, you may recall startled many readers with his initial novel, Rising Phoenix, with the novel idea of poisoning the nation’s illegal drug supply in order to curtail it’s use. Smoke Screen is Mill’s sixth book and whereas his previous books were all mystery thrillers, this one shoots off in a new direction.”
“With us this fine Saturday morning our usual panel members ET and Pamela Anderson. Et of course is our resident Science Fiction expert and Pamela doesn’t know that much about books but she sure is nice to look at, right ET. Gimme three! That a boy! The gentleman in the middle is of course ET’s long time interpreter Hailey Comet and last but not least is our two guest panel members, Film Maker, Michael Moore and Comedian Jerry Seinfield and Mike, please don’t worry about that chair. I of course I am your host, If you don’t recognize me, my name is William Jefferson Clinton. I used to work for the government but now I’ve got a real job and I’m loving it.”
“As usual I’ll read the fly leaf of the book, giving everybody a feeling for the book and then we’ll have our usual comment from our resident Epinionator Dee Dawning and then we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel. Sorry ET but this one isn’t your favorite, Science Fiction but it is a good book, isn’t it? You haven‘t read it yet but you‘ll read it on the commercial break.”
“Gee Bill, I wish I could read that fast. It took me a week of solid reading to get ready for this one”
“Well baby you know you don‘t have to contribute. You just have to sit there like you do, doing your thing.”
“I know Billy boy but I want to contribute for a change.”
“Okay, let’s move on. Here’s what the dust jacket, fly leaf has to say.”
“Through an inexplicable series of unwanted promotions, Trevor Barnett has become the lead spokesman for the tobacco industry just as it’s on the verge of extinction. Plaintiffs’ attorneys have finally found the weakness they’ve been searching for and filed a $200 billion lawsuit that the industry will be unable to appeal.”
“America’s tobacco companies react by doing the unthinkable – they close their plants and recall their products from retailers’ shelves. Trevor is charged with the task of going on national television and making the announcement: Not another cigarette will be manufactured of sold until the industry is given ironclad protection from the courts.”
As the economy falters and chaos takes hold, Trevor becomes the target of enraged smokers, gun totting cigarette smugglers and a government that has been off from one of it’s largest sources of revenue. Soon it becomes clear that this has always been his function – to take the brunt of the backlash and shield the men in power from the maelstrom they’ve created.”
“There’s more but I think the audience gets the idea. We now have Mr. Daumco on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D. I hope it‘s not too early for you back in Arizona, after all it is six o’clock there isn‘t it?”
“No Problem, I’m up with the quail and cottontails”
“Good, if I may get right to the point, what did you think of Smoke Screen?”
“Well Bill, I really loved it. Up until this book, Kyle Mills has been a serious novelist but on his latest novel, Smoke Screen he has displayed a latent jocularity and borrowed from the masters of tongue in cheek humor to put out a subtlety droll and amusingly clever book. He succinctly tells an excellent, witty story, doesn‘t get too detail oriented doesn‘t try to foist his superior vocabulary on the reader, so you don‘t need a dictionary next to you”
“What I like about Kyle Mill‘s books, which I like to varying degrees, is that he comes up with some seriously different and interesting plots. He‘s not the only one that can do that, of course but it seems like some major authors rehash the same plots only on a more massive scale.”
“I read a bio on this guy and he doesn’t even have a background in writing, he just tried it, managed with difficulty to get his first book published and now he’s off and running. I’m impressed and I‘m impressed with his writing as well. He doesn‘t waste words. His writing is direct, he doesn‘t meander off in other directions and he‘s smooth. This book is less than 350 pages, when 500 plus is the apparent norm.”
“Great, thanks again Mr D for your insights. How’s that book of yours coming along?”
“We’re getting there. Thanks for asking, Bill”
“You’re welcome, good luck. So what do you rate this book?”
“Sorry Bill, I thought that was obvious – Five big ones!”
“Wonderful. We‘ll take a break now and when we come back we‘ll hear what our panel has to say”
_______________
“Ok Panel, let’s talk about Smoke Screen.”
“Yes Pamela.”
“I loved it, it was humorous and droll and clever and ah…………..oh yeah succinct and I give it five stars.”
“Hmmmm, ok ET how did you see it”
“Mr ET thought it was very good but he would like to have seen some sex scenes and for it to take place in space but he still gave it five stars”
“I see, sex scenes huh, I thought you guys were unisex, oh well Mike what did you think? Mike, hello Mike!”
“Sorry Bill, I was just noticing a spot of dirt on Pamela‘s ……..never mind. What did you ask me Bill?”
“What we‘re here for, your evaluation of Smoke Screen.”
“Oh sure, I thought it would make a great movie, though I wouldn‘t let the bad guys, I mean tobacco guys off the hook. You know there are so many bad guys. Everywhere you look bad guys. Look what happened to you, scandalous,”
“Michael!”
“No no, not you, the way you were treated. You‘d think you started a war or something.A”
“Michael!”
“Yes, yes, sorry I digressed. I thought the book was super. I really liked the union guy. I laughed so hard at what he said about Trevor‘s father that I lost my cigarette and burned the couch. Five Stars, definitely five stars.”
“Thank you Michael. How about you Jerry?”
“Good book Bill, but I don’t think we’ve said enough about the characters and the excellent character development. Michael mentioned the pragmatic Union leader, Larry Mann but we also had Trevor’s anti tobacco activist, love interest Anne, the calculating corporate guru, Paul Trainer, Trevor’s always partying, fair weather friend Darius and of course Trevor’s suppressive, conniving father Edwin Barnett.”
“The whole time I was reading Smoke Screen, I couldn’t help but remember another humorous book about the tobacco industry by William Buckley’s son, Christopher Buckley, titled Thank You for Not Smoking and the writing style also reminded me of Carl Hiassen’s work.
“All in all I thought it was a clever, slightly sarcastic story with some real funny lines. I may have to borrow some for my act. Just kidding. I‘ll make it unanimous, Five Stars.”
“Thanks Jerry. So there you have it, Smoke Screen by Kyle Mills. Buy it!”
Pick a Cover, One More Time
Okay, we narrowed the covers down to three, but I added two new ones so I’m going to ask you to pick your favorites once more.
One
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
Please let me know your first and second choices.
Thank you, DEE
Sharing the News
Hi I don’t usually post writings from my other blog, ‘Erotic Musings, Dee Dawning’ but I am human and an author and when something good happens for me I like to tell my friends, even if it is a little like bragging.
I received some great news last Thursday. My book, Fortune Cookies made the final cut and is now officially a finalist for an EPPIE award. If you haven’t heard of Eppies, it’s sort of like Emmys but for eBooks. It is considered one of the highest awards an eBook can receive. I won’t know until January if I win but even being a finalist makes me a winner, since it is a badge of honor that can be carried through life.
For those of you not yet familiar with Fortune Cookies, here is a blurb an a review that makes me smile:)
FC Blurb
Meeting for lunch at a Chinese restaurant, Jill’s friends are shocked by the improbable, amazing tale of good fortune she spins. Lust, sex, love, pregnancy, and a planned marriage to a strapping young hunk, all from eating a red fortune cookie? A FORTUNE COOKIE? Give me a break!
The owner of the Chinese restaurant sets one of the miracle red fortune cookies in front of each of Jill’s friends. Gail, the hi-powered attorney, Rita, the gorgeous model, and Saundra, the uppity socialite, look at each other, then at Chad, Jill’s dreamboat fiancée. What should they do? What would you do?
Fortune Cookies is a deliciously naughty, whimsical, tongue in cheek, romantic story that leads four friends on a paranormal journey into the supernatural in search of love, fulfillment and happiness. It is a novel for couples, about couples. Erotic and funny, Fortune Cookies will send you searching Chinese restaurants for the elusive red fortune cookie!
FORTUNE COOKIES; IT”S A HOOT
Fortune Cookies
A Contemporary Erotic/romance Novel
Fortune Cookies
Dee Dawning/Fortune Cookies/eXtasy Books/411 pages/ebook
Jill meets her friends, Gail, and Rita and Saundra and others at Eddie Chang’s place, because she wants them to sample the fortune cookies that brought her a wonderful lover and the baby she had longed for. The magic in these cookies only works if you are not truly fulfilled in your life and it turns out that most of the girls need a touch of magic in one way or another – but can it work for all of them?
This is an extremely well crafted book. It is erotic and suitable only for over eighteens, but it has a really good story, which some erotic books do not have. This book has a charm and magic all its own. If you enjoy reading very sexy books then I recommend this one to you. This is certainly five red roses and I rather think it ought to have a whole bouquet, because of all the work and creativity that went into it. and that is a first for an erotic book, but it is also very much a romance. Anne
www.extasybooks.com
Now here’s more news. If Fortune Cookies appeals to you, until the end of December, you can buy it, or any other eXtasy Book backlist title for 30% off the regular price. That means you can get Fortune Cookies, a four hundred page award finalist for less than 5 bucks!
DeeDawning
Erotic-romance for the naughty streak in all of us.
http://deedawning.millenniumpromotion.com
http://www.myspace.com/deedawning
http://deedawning.wordpress.com/
http://eroticmusings.blogspot.com/
The Bush Legacy continues – Bush’s Five Biggest Lies
The Five Biggest Lies was not the first book I’ve read on George W. Bush and or his misadventure and it probably won’t be the last. Obviously, from the title, one can deduct that this is not a book that praises the forty-third president. The book is well written and planned and is generally about what the title describes – the five major fallacies that were given as the rationale for the unprovoked aggression of Iraq. It is basically set forth in an outline style, starting with an introduction, then a chapter on the reasoning and methodology behind the deception. The deceptions themselves follow, with a chapter allocated to each lie, followed by the conclusion.
The chapters outlining the five lies are titled by the lies:
1. Al Qaeda’s ties to Iraq.
2. Iraq’s Chemical and Biological Weapons
3. Iraq’s Nuclear Weapons
4. The War Will Be a ‘Cakewalk’
5. Iraq as a Democratic Model
6. Conclusion
Al Qaeda’s ties to Iraq
The authors methodically expose this deceit pointing to the fact that all of the prewar suppositions regarding an alleged tie between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein had previously been discredited. Yet, as in the pattern of other falsehoods, these lies mysteriously found their way back into the conversations and speeches of administration officials.
Iraq’s Chemical and Biological Weapons
Another stretch by the administration that had been debunked previously, even as the administration members continued to talk about Chemical and Biological WMD. They shamelessly continued to use this discounted intelligence as a pretext for invasion. Even though the United States and the UN had Hussein in a box, in control of only a third of his country and was unable to reconstitute chemical and biological programs; the administration pointed to this phantom program as a grave world threat.
Iraq’s Nuclear Weapons
This may have been the largest and most damaging of the fabrications. Everything that the administration put forward to justify their mushroom cloud scenario had already been discredited numerous times and in many ways, yet the people in Rumsfeld’s personal intelligence gatherers, whose only purpose was to dig up intelligence that would support the administration position, wouldn’t let it die. This despite the fact that the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) said there was no evidence of any kind of WMD in Iraq and weapon inspectors had come up empty. Vice President Cheney in no uncertain terms said they were “Flat wrong.” Well, the head of IAEA ended up with a Nobel Peace Prize and we ended up with a quagmire.
The War Will be a ‘Cakewalk’
Here again the administration’s leading Hawk, VP Cheney was head cheerleader for invasion by going on TV and saying the war would be a “cakewalk.” Others treated the invasion in a cavalier manner as well. The administration planned on reducing troop levels to 30,000 troops within three months.
The authors point out that this may be the only inadvertent lie, with administration officials truly believing their own hyperbole in this case.
Iraq as a Democratic Model
This is, of course, the back up rationale for the invasion of Iraq, but it was the primary policy on a position of expansion and policing, which authors put forth in the conclusion.
The authors don’t disagree with the idea of a model democracy in the Middle East but it is generally conceived that if such an event were to occur it would have to be nurtured, not imposed from the end of a gun.
Conclusion
The authors postulate that the invasion of Iraq was the first salvo in a new grandiose, radical foreign policy of deterrence by aggression. In doing this the administration made numerous assumptions, all of which turned out to be fallacious. Instead the results of the invasion had the opposite effect, bogging us down in Iraq, helpless to confront other developing mischief in the globe, ie. Iran and North Korea.
My Thoughts
This book only deals with the lead up to the war and the very beginnings, having being published in October, 2003, yet the authors seem quite prescient, having correctly predicting the present situation in Iraq.
Like the other similar books I have devoured, it is meant to be informative and factual. It is probably directed at the average Bush supporter who seem to shun being confused with facts and therefore would not be caught within a mile of such ‘dreck.’
Therefore this book and others like it serve as kindling, inflaming the passions of those of us that believe Dubya is, at best, a study in mediocrity. It reinforces our incredulity that this man was re-elected. I don’t know about others, but it makes be mad at the voters that voted, with whatever stupid reason in mind, for Bush. I can truthfully say, not a day goes by that I haven’t marveled at the fact that this man is our President.
The Iraq War – A forty Day Party
As a former Reagan Republican, I cannot help but be severely disappointed by the level of incompetence of the present administration. However, it appears there is still a good deal of support among so-called Bush loyalists, a fact that amazes me. Either they are ignoring the mountain of evidence of malfeasance that has been accruing or they pay no attention to the country’s current military and financial situation. Therefore, I will occasionally post a review of one of the many books that chronicle the run-up to and the prosecution of the Iraq War. These are not Left-wing books of anti-Bush propaganda but books written by thoughtful writers, whose only purpose is to present the facts. And to any that bother to read the facts, they are disturbing.
Here is the first review,
COBRA II by Michael Gordon and General Bernard E. Trainor
The Bottom Line:
Cobra II provides a good account of the thinking and non-thinking that propelled us into this never-ending war.
While reading Cobra II – when I wasn’t simmering – I got the impression that the strongest military in the world was being controlled and misused by a modern day version of the Keystone Kops. Not that I’m surprised. I and two thirds of the country (God help the other third) knew something was amiss, but many of the things I suspected were laid out in glaring fashion in this interesting text.
It’s like President “What me worry?” was having his arm twisted by Vice President “Darth Vader” undersecretary Darth Maul (Wolfowitz) to throw a forty day party in Baghdad. That’s right the war that has outlasted both World War I and the Korean War and is fast approaching World War II (It has now surpassed it) was expected to be a thirty to fifty day party and then we all go home with smiles on our faces. Perhaps it would have, except for two things.
First, our Defense Secretary, decided he knew more than all his generals combined. He threw out ten years of military planning for the invasion of Iraq, and proceeded to badger his generals to keep reducing planned invasion troop levels to a number he liked. I guess the secretary is into numerology. The number the generals started with was 380,000. The number the S.O.D. accepted was 140,000 – just enough to get us into Baghdad but not enough to get home.
The second thing, which some knowledgeable people foresaw, but not the myopic administration, was that the party might get crashed by some unwanted guests. Who you ask? Why, a bunch of young hot heads driving Toyotas, some wearing towels over the faces, some carrying funny objects on their shoulders or weapons in their arms and all looking for trouble. The first fatality of the war was caused, not by an Iraqi soldier but, a group of these hot heads in a Toyota Pick-up.
Commanders on the ground noticed this effective, unforeseen adversary, utilizing hit and run guerilla tactics and wanted to confront them, but the bigwigs in Cent Com ordered them to bypass these future insurgents and head straight to Baghdad, do not pass Go. Apparently they felt that once Baghdad fell everything. would fall into place. What they got when they took Baghdad was widespread looting. The authors Michael Gordon and General Bernard Trainor go on to speculate that the fediyeen, which the army was ordered to ignore and bypass on the way to Baghdad, became the backbone for the strong insurgency we now face.
Conclusion
Liberal, Conservative, independent – Right wing, Left wing, it doesn’t matter, reading this book will upset you. The book is not a liberal rag. It does not have a political bias, unless you consider a bias toward incompetence political. It just lays out the facts, often in minute detail. That, in fact is one of the books weaknesses. Cobra II reads like a play by play description of the war to date from the rationale though the planning to the prosecution of the war, with it’s attendant mis-steps. The prosecution portion of the war takes up at least two thirds of the book and unless you are a war junkie and despite some interesting parts begins, after awhile, to all sound the same.
The parts of the book I found most interesting were the initial planning stages and those portions dealing with the dissension that developed between Rumsfeld and Franks and later the turmoil between Franks and the generals in the field. The authors also point out how many of the problems that developed in the initial occupation of Baghdad and the aftermath were anticipated by various sources with suggestions, but were discounted or ignored by the administration. In short, the administration didn’t want to hear anything that might disrupt their vision of a forty day party.
Unfortunately the book only takes us through the war itself and the stirrings of the nascent insurgency. Three years later we are seeing what almost everyone agrees is a low grade civil war, verging on civil war.
Author’s Note; This review was written over a year ago. I would say things are pretty much the same, wouldn’t you?
The War That We Can’t Win
The Bottom Line; Before totally rejecting the merits of my editorial, I ask only that you keep an open mind and ask yourself, has anything we’ve done so far, worked?
The War That We Can’t Win
No not that one. There’s another war going on beside that one and it’s been going on a very long time, longer than I can remember and it’s unwinable. It is a war that we tend to forget about but from time to time we are reminded that we still are at war. When there is a huge drug bust or when a promising high school or college student dies from an overdose or several are killed in a drive by shooting or another drug lord is arrested in Columbia or another patch of marijuana is found in a National Forest or another meth lab in a neighbor’s basement is destroyed, then we are reminded that we are engaged in a daunting, frustrating, war that‘s impossible to win. The War on Drugs. But fight on we must. It’s the right thing to do, right?
Wrong!
Who says we have to keep beating our heads against the wall? I know this is unpopular but the hand writing is on the wall, we can’t win, so I’m advocating the extreme solution. Let’s put up the white flag and say ok drug pushers you win! Let’s surrender. Let’s legislate the thugs out of business. Let’s legalize drugs. Can it be any worse than it already is?
Ok the cat’s out of the bag. I’m a nut, a loon but let me explain my rational. It has been reported that some seven million Americans are already addicts with another ten million as users of varying degree. Folks, that’s almost six percent of us. Add another twenty million casual (occasional) users for anther seven percent for a total of thirteen percent, that for me is mind boggling. True legalizing drugs isn’t going to reduce the addicts and it may even increase them a little but the benefits are overwhelming.
Government figures state that something like eighty percent of violent and one on one crime is drug related. Why is that? I suppose we could assume that five or six million of the hard core addicts do not have jobs that are capable of supporting the cost of their addiction, so they are forced to mug, rob, steal, burgle or whore toward this purpose.
Make no mistake this is a growth business like any other business, the workers (pushers) are encouraged to bring in new addicts who are also encouraged to turn on friends, addicting them and so forth. The profit potential for sellers on up is enormous. It is said that the cost of the product sold on the streets is about one hundred times the production cost and that is the reason that despite the intrinsic dangers, the astounding profit potential keeps enlarging the pool of participants.
But what about the Downside?
What downside? If you’re talking about the availability of hardcore drugs to your kids, think about it. Right now it’s easier for a twelve year old to get crack than beer. Why? Because beer isn’t sold on the streets. You have to go into a store or a bar and buy it. If drugs were sold in stores, wouldn’t your kids have to go into a store to buy them as well. Can you see a teenager going into a store and buying a lid of weed or a vial of cocaine? Especially if you had to have a permit to buy there and a video camera would record every transaction. No way, Jose!
True, we would be encouraging existing and future addicts to make a direction of life decision. Do I want to lead a normal life or do I want to be a speed freak for the rest of my life? Probably fewer than you think would choose the latter and for those that did, they would no longer have to rob and steal to feed their habit and that’s the big bonus to legalizing drugs. Crime would fall up to eighty percent and the country would save billions and billions a year on law enforcement, courts, prosecutors, public defenders and prisons.
And here’s the best part. Legalizing drugs would put the drug cartels out of business. The drug scumbags from the drug lords on down to the street pushers will have to find another and most likely less harmful scam, for no one in their right mind would buy illegally on the street when they could buy legally from a licensed store.
Can it be that easy?
I know it’s not that simple, that there are a lot of nuances and intangibles but I’m not talking about a plan. This is an idea. Let the legislators work out the nuts and bolts. As far as I can see legalizing drugs would be a ridiculously easy solution to the rampant crime that exists today and remember, it wasn’t that long ago (approx. a hundred years) that illegal drugs were legal and since narcotics were made illegal their use, on a per capita basis, has increased and crime has gone through the roof.
A Movie Review 4 U � 9 Songs (An X Rated Review)
WARNING: This is an informative and irreverent review about an explicit unrated movie. If you are easily offended, please don’t read it. If you do, please don’t complain about it.
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the initial edition of A Movie Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing the British movie billed as an explicit mainstream movie, 9 Songs, written, produced and directed by Michael Winterbottom”
“With us, this fine Saturday morning, our regular panel members, the lovely, Bo Derek, who as movie stars go, has probably been filmed in the nude more than any other Hollywood actress. Hello Bo, I see we’re wearing clothes today.”
“Well, I am. I don’t know if I’d call your outfit, clothes, Jerry. Besides, I’m not sure I’m ready to show off my private tattoo yet.”
“And the gentleman to her left is of course, Mr. Macho, Bruce Willis, who also has an erotic scene or two to his credit. Bruce.”
“Good to be here, Jerry.”
“Bruce. What are you doing?”
“I’m just seeing if Bo will show me her tattoo. I’m a big fan of tattoos, especially private ones.”
“What are you doing Bo?”
“Bruce wants to see my tattoo. I’ve got a piercing too, but I can’t show you that, Brucie.”
“Really? Can you please show me? After the show, of course.”
“I don’t think so Jerry”
“Shucks! Last but not least are our two guest panel members, head of the Moral Majority, Rev. Jerry Falwell and Penthouse Magazine Publisher, Bob Guccione. Gentlemen, thanks for being with us this Saturday morning.”
“Good to be here, said Rev. Falwell.”
“Same here Jerry, but I’d like to say one thing to Ms Derek. I could provide a format for you to show the world your body art,” offered Mr. Guccione.
“Body art. You give that tripe a proper name? It’s defilement of God’s work!”
“Reverend, please calm down, we need to get on with the show.”
“I, of course, am you host, moderator and referee all rolled into one, Jerry Springer.”
“Our show will follow the system of our sister show, A Book Review 4 U. We’ll start with a comment from our resident Epinionator, Mr. D and then we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel.
“We now have Mr. D on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D. I hope it‘s not too early for you back in Arizona, after all it is six o’clock there isn‘t it?”
“Not an issue. I do most of my writing early in the morning.”
“I’m sorry. If I may get right to the point, what did you think of this movie, 9 Songs.
“I’ve read a few reviews on 9 songs and one thing they all seem to agree upon is that the movie has no story. I can’t disagree with them. There isn’t much of a story, but if you pay attention you do arrive at some interesting conclusions.”
“The plot of the movie can be boiled down to this, boy and girl meet at a, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, rock concert and go to his apt and f*ck. Another concert and another roll in the hay. With some small exceptions this is the modus operandi for nine concerts.”
“Matt is a scientist, a glaciologist and Lisa is a visiting American college student. Matt tried to keep up with Lisa, but I got the impression that he was overmatched, with Lisa, whom I thought was an excitement junkie. She was also more into experimentation. At one point, Matt went home by himself as she stayed with a woman.”
“I couldn’t figure out why the sex scenes seemed so well done – almost real. Then, as the movie progressed it became obvious. The bathtub scene with Matt and Lisa, the only actors in the movie, gave me the first clue. With Matt (Kieran O’Brien) leaning back on one side of the tub and Lisa (Margo Stilley) on the other, she uses her feet to massage his erect penis in full view of the viewers. That was about halfway through the movie and was only the beginning. Each sex scene thereafter, became increasing more explicit.”
“After about three months of steady rock concerts and sex, Lisa told Matt that she will soon be going back to America. Matt was crushed, so that afternoon Lisa cheered him up by … how can I say this? Blowing him! The viewer gets to see the whole shebang, just like a porn movie. She sucks on him for about thirty seconds and then the camera cuts away to a long view of Matt, ejaculating upon his abdomen.”
“On the day she is scheduled to leave, the spectator is presented a vision of the couple having intercourse including clear view of phallic penetration.”
“Speaking of the rock concerts, rock music fans, especially fans of British bands may be interested in the bands of the various concerts. I managed to dig seven of them out – they are:”
• Super Furry Animals
• The Dandy Warhols
• Franz Ferdinand
• Elbow
• Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
• The Von Bondies
• Primal Scream
Conclusion
“What one might get out of this movie depends upon what one’s expectations are. No, it doesn’t have much of a story, but I thought the overall product was entertaining and very watchable. The movie was realistic in everyway (not just the sex) and earthy. The acting by the two actors was really something to behold and so was the cinematography.”
“It should be pointed out that the writer, producer, director of 9 Songs, felt there was a double standard regarding reading material vs film. He thought, since many erotic and even mainstream books are extremely graphic, why can’t mainstream movies also depict graphic sex. In comparison to the present day trend of filthy degrading pornographic films, 9 songs must seem extremely tame. Still, it is a big leap forward in sexuality from the average boring, poorly done soft-core movie. Therefore, I’m going against the grain, Jerry, and giving the movie 5 stars.”
“Thank you for your insight Mr. Daumco. Now it’s time to get our panels opinion.”
“Let’s start with you Bruce, but before you start, I want you to consider a couple questions? Do you think it is proper to ask an actor to have sex on the screen and as an actor, would you have considered, such a part?”
“Bruce.”
“That’s a hell of a question, Jerry. I didn’t think you were that thoughtful. Let me talk about the film then I’ll go back to your question.”
“I thought, the film pioneered new ground. I don’t know if we’ll see more movies like that in the future but it certainly set the groundwork for them. I give the movie 4 stars.”
“As for your question. I’m sure, when you are first getting started you may be required to do parts that you could reject once you are established.”
“Fine, but what about you and is it appropriate?”
“I didn’t mention it but I interposed myself into your hypothetical equation. As for appropriate? If it’s in the script, it’s appropriate.”
“Very good. Bo. Bo! What are you doing?”
“I’m showing Reverend Falwell my body art.”
“I thought you said you couldn’t show anyone your piercing?”
“The Reverend said it’s okay to show him because he’s a holy man. Right Reverend?”
“Well, oomph. I didn’t quite say it that way. I said people think I’m a dweeb but their wrong. I’m wholly a man.”
“Okay, Sweetheart hurry up and put your clothes back on, before we get fined.”
“That’s alright Jerry, If you get fined. Penthouse will be glad to pay it. Ms Derek, I still want to talk about appearing in my mag –”
“That’s all right. I need to get Bo’s opinion of 9 songs. Bo did you hear my question to Bruce.”
“I think so.”
“And”
“Well, I liked the movie. It’s realistic. F*cking is what people do. I’d like to see more movies like that and I wouldn’t mind appearing in one myself. It would be my crowning achievement. I give the movie 5 stars.”
“Alright, Moving on. Reverend?”
“As you should know. There is no place in our society for dreck like this misbegotten movie and I certainly wouldn’t perform in a movie like that! 1 star.”
“I don’t think Jerry was asking you if you would screw on film reverend. Fat people don’t film too well naked.”
“I’ll thank you to keep your opinions to yourself, Mr. Smut peddler.”
“That’s okay Mr. Shyster. I’ll bet if I got Bo here to show her body art in Penthouse, you’d be the first in line for a co –”
“Bob, please. We may disagree but let’s do it with civility. Now what did you think of 9 Songs?”
“I loved it. It brought back memories of my randy movie Caligula.”
“Randy is right. That was pure pornograp –”
“Aw, so you’ve seen it. What other sex movies have you seen Reverend? How big a collection do you have. Huh?”
“Gentlemen please. We’re almost out of time. What is your rating, Bob?”
“5 stars”
“Thank you, Bob. That averages out to 4 stars.”
“So there you have it, 9 songs by Michael Winterbottom. Buy it!”
“That’s it for now. Join us next week when our guest reviewers will be Paris Hilton and General Tommie Franks.”
“Yes, Bob?”
“I just wanted to mention to Ms Derek that I may have the vehicle to her crowning achievement, since I would make a sequel to Caligula if she would star in it.”
“Now that’s an interesting proposition.”
“I’ll bet you get all kinds of propositions. Talk about it after the show. What are you doing?”
“Showing Bob my body art.”
“Until next week this is Jerry Springer slugging … I mean signing off. Have a great day!”
Author’s note: As you probably suspected this reviiew was written before the unfortunate and untimely death of the Reverend Falwell. No offense was intended and I hope none was taken.
A Book Review 4 U – The Journal of Mortifying Moments
“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to another edition of A Book Review 4 U. Today we will be reviewing a book by Robyn Harding intriguingly called The Journal of Mortifying Moments, which apparently is her initial book.
“With us, this fine Saturday morning, our usual panel members ET and Pamela Anderson. ET of course is our resident Science Fiction expert and Pamela doesn’t know all that much about books, but she sure is nice to look at, right ET. Gimme three! That a boy! The gentleman to his left is, of course, ET’s long time interpreter Hailey Comet, and last but not least is our two guest panel members, Presidential Advisor, Karl Rogu . . . ah, er, excuse me, Karl Rove and controversial Comedian Chris Rock. Sorry about the slip Karl. Yes Chris.”
“What yo mean controversial? Ain’t nobody more controversial than you!”
“Well, I supposed you do have a point there Chris. I, of course, I am your host, if you don’t recognize me, my name is William Jefferson Clinton. I used to work for the government, but now I’ve have a real job and I’m loving it.”
“As usual, I’ll give a brief summary of the book, giving everybody a feeling for the book and then we’ll have a comment from our resident opinionator, Mr. D and then we’ll open things up for discussion by our panel. Sorry ET but this one isn’t your favorite, Science Fiction, but it is a good book, isn’t it? What? Again? You haven‘t read it yet, but you‘ll read it on the commercial break. I wish you wouldn’t do that. You make everybody envious, including the lovely lady sitting next to you.”
“Oh don’t worry about it Billy-boy. I realize he has some amazing attributes but I have some attributes too.”
“Pamela?”
“Yes Chris?”
“I just want you to know that I think your attributes are pretty amazing. Can I see them.”
“Pamela. Stop that!”
“Why, Billy-boy? I did it on The Howard Stern Show.”
“Pamela. Do you see those cameras out there? This is television. That was radio.”
“I know Billy-boy but I want to contribute for a change.”
“I want you to contribute too, but not to a big FCC fine. You can contribute after the show. “Okay, let’s move on. Here’s a brief summary of the book.”
Kerry Spence is in a chronic dead end relationship with her dreamboat of a boyfriend Sam Miller. She also works in an ad agency where she can’t stand ninety percent of her co-workers and vice-versa. She also seems to be on a different page than her mother, who always seems to be putting her down adding to her already low self-esteem.
The only bright spot in otherwise her bleak existence is the friendship and loyalty of her good friends Sandra, Val and Michelle and a friendship with a gay coworker Trevor. Unfortunately her friends are also borderline neurotic and don’t seem to be helpful.
So, what do you do when you feel outclassed by your boyfriend, disparaged by your mother and can’t stand your job? Why, go to a therapist of course. What did the therapist come up with? She asked Kerry to write a journal of her most humiliating experiences. At first she thinks this is a inane project but as she continues to write her most embarrassing moments, which all happen to involve men, in her Journal of Mortifying Moments, she begins to come to some realizations.
“We now have Mr. D on the phone to get his analysis. Good morning Mr. D. I hope it‘s not too early for you back in Arizona, after all it is six o’clock there isn‘t it?”
“No Problem. The coyotes kept me up, howling all night”
“I’m sorry. If I may get right to the point, what did you think of this weeks book, The Journal of Mortifying Moments?”
“Well Bill, for typical, so called chick lit, I thought the good outweighed the bad. The author Robyn Harding displays a jocularity and sense of irony. Some of the scenarios and that’s what the book is – a series of scenarios – were clever and well portrayed, but the humor in all cases was at the expense of the heroine, who by the way, I never got a sense of. To my knowledge the author never really described Kerry other than she herself felt she had a large and expanding butt.”
The fact that the heroine was depicted in such an unflattering light was a problem for me. She seemed to be so vulnerable and incompetent, it even seems odd to call her a heroine. Protagonist is probably more apt. When I think of Kerry the word buffoon comes to mind, like she was playing a straight man, or lady in this case, to fate.”
The author’s overall character development was adequate but just barely. Some characters more than others. I had a good feel for Trevor, who was pretty good by the way and Sandra and Kerry’s mom, but Val and Michelle were strangers except Michelle was logical and business like.”
Harding’s writing style is well paced, uses dialogue effectively and has a reader friendly prose style. She doesn‘t waste words, her writing is direct, she doesn‘t meander off in other directions and she‘s smooth. This book is 308 pages, when 500 plus is the apparent norm. Despite the fact that some of the scenes and scenarios, seemed contrived, The Journal of Mortifying Moments, as a whole, holds up well. Especially for a debut.”
“Great, thanks again Mr. D for your insights. How’s that book of yours coming along?”
“We’re finished and in for printing. Thanks for asking, Bill”
“You’re welcome, good luck. So what do you rate this book?”
“Sorry Bill, I giving The Journal of Mortifying Moments – Three and a half stars!”
“Excellent. We‘ll take a break now and when we come back we‘ll hear what our panel has to say.”
****
“OK Panel, we’re back live now. Let’s talk about The Journal of Mortifying Moments.”
“Yes Pamela.”
“I loved it. I thought it was humorous, droll and clever. And ah . . . oh yeah succinct and I loved the mortifying moments. Like when she was twelve and the shy boy she had a crush on, told how many times a day he touched himself, rather than take Kerry behind a bush and kiss her. I give it 4 1/2 stars.”
“Hmmmm, ok ET how did you see it”
“Mr ET thought it was good, but he would like to have seen the sex scenes be more explicit and for it to take place in space. He still gives it four stars”
“I see, explicit sex scenes huh, I thought you guys were unisex, oh well Karl what did you think? Karl, hello Karl!”
“Sorry Bill, I was just noticing a little bump on Pamela‘s . . . never mind. What did you ask me again?”
“What we‘re here for, your evaluation of The Journal of Mortifying Moments.”
“Certainly. Ahhem. I thought the book, while cleverly written, set a poor example to the young women of this great nation. It extolls promiscuous behavior and wanton sex, even in unromantic situations. I’m no prude, mind you, but Sandra deciding to have the baby of her sixty-five year old married boyfriend was over the top. Not to mention that some of Kerry’s mortifying moments were licentious and demeaning. Take the one where she ties up her boyfriend d’ jour to the bedposts with the use of scarves only to start a fire from a plethora of burning candles, some of which were set in a pentagram for God’s sake.”
“Karl!”
“Yes, yes, sorry I digressed. I think the book is well written but the subject matter is vulgar and our people should stay away from it. Two stars, I give it two stars.”
“Thank you Karl. Chris. How about you?”
“A pentagram huh? Wow! Where did you see that? You know, Bill, I liked the book, but are white chicks really that screwed up? I mean, man they’s worse than black chicks, playing games, not answering the phone, trying to guess what her man’s thinking. Seems like she coulda saved herself a whole lot of trouble. Just spit it out girl and stop acting so . . . silly!”
“Man that Kerry chick’s got some serious hang-ups and some of those so called mortifying moments like when one of her fiance wants her to join in a foursome. Hey. You gotta chill out girl. Go with the flow. That shouldn’t be mortifying. It should be stimulating.”
“I agree with Mr. D – 3 1/2 stars.”
“Thanks Chris. So there you have it, The Journal of Mortifying Moments by Robyn Harding. Buy it!”
“That’s it for now. Join us next week when our guest reviewers will be Paris Hilton and Governor Schwarten . . . Schwartze . . . the Governor of California.”
“Until next week this is Willie-boy Clinton signing off. Have a great day!”
Do You Feel Safer?
The Bottom Line I say Bush has made us less safe by morphing young Muslim hot heads into terrorists. What do you think?
The big discussion these days, just prior to the midterm election seems to be whether we are safer or less safe than we were after 9/11.
I’m confused about that myself so I’ve decided to take a poll.
Here are a dozen multiple choice questions to show what we think..
President Bush’s pre-emptive war on Iraq has made –
a. U.S. citizens safer
b. Iraqi citizens safer
c. American servicemen safer
d. Osama bin Laden safer
President Bush and Republican claim that the Democrats don’t have the stomach to fight terrorism. Is that –
a. A known known
b. A known unknown
c. An unknown known
d. Partisan bullsh*t
The Democratic response to this is that President Bush and his advisors don’t have the brains to fight terrorism. Is that –
a. Partisan bullsh*t
b. A chip off the ole block
c. Hard work
d. A known known
Weapons of mass destruction were not found in Iraq because –
a. They’re there – buried in the desert
b. The Iraqi people were so hungry, they ate them
c. The intelligence was taken out of a comic book.
d. They was fooled
The intelligence used to justify the war was flawed because –
a. Clinton didn’t do enough to catch Osama bin Laden
b. Richard Clarke was a traitor
c. Saddam Hussein started a disinformation campaign
d. They picked only the intelligence backed their position.
The real reason the Bush cabal pushed for war in Iraq was -
a. Although they couldn’t prove it, they knew Hussein was behind 9/11
b. Rumsfeld was real good at playing Risk. Monopoly too! (but not sorry)
c. Cheney decided that he missed something in the Viet Nam experience after all.
d. The butt of jokes in West Texas for years, Bush wanted to show everybody he could really find oil.
If you had an emergency, like your house was about to flood from a hurricane or something. You would call –
a. George W. Bush
b. The Ghostbusters
c. Osama bin Laden
d. Your insurance agent
Democrats and some Republicans say the administration fixed the intelligence to make the case for war. You think.
a. It’s partisan bullsh*t
b. The end justifies the means
c. Democrats can’t take a joke
d. We should impeach the bastard
Six Generals who had served in Iraq, recently said Rumsfeld has mismanaged the war and should go. You think
a. Everybody is entitled to a booboo or fifty (look at the President)
b. Rummy is no dummy. He just acts like it
c. He gives the most interesting press conferences since Baghdad Bob
d. Put him in charge of security for Darth Cheney.
President Bush keeps saying we are fighting the terrorists in Iraq so we don’t have to fight them here. You think.
a. No attacks in five years – good job George.
b. The big ones take time
c. Can’t you just picture George decapitating a terrorist with his golf club.
d. At the rate we’re going we won’t have an army to fight them over there.
The Bush administration has recently been accused of portraying a rosier picture in Iraq than the reality. You think.
a. The Iraqis are cry babies
b. Wouldn’t you
c. I like roses
d. Saddam is looking better and better
President Bush, Vice Pres, Cheney and Sec of State Rice have all said, Knowing what they know now they would still attack Iraq. You think.
a. I told you they were tough.
b. They’re all nuttier than a fruitcake
c. Has there ever been a military coup in the U.S.?
d. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.
Okay. That completes the poll. Total up your answers allowing one point for an a. answer, two for b., three for c and four for d, total up you answers and look below for the results.
Twelve to fifteen points – You are a true believer. Report for duty in Iraq immediately for adventure Bush style.
Sixteen to twenty-six points – You are an independent person but not too bright and not too safe.
Twenty-seven to thirty-eight points – You are not too bright. Have you thought of running for President.
Thirty-nine points to forty-eight points – You didn’t vote for Bush. Did you?
